forgiveness

why is something that can make your life simpler, one of the hardest things you can do?

i started writing a letter to her, to see if maybe writing it down could make forgiveness easier. but, it didnt. i got so into the thing, that i couldnt finish.

i havent looked at it again. but i think now is the time


this is probably going to come out all jumbled and all mixed up, but theres a ton of things on my mind that i just had to tell somebody, or something, and my lovely laptop screen seems to be the best listener
.
so mom, besides her pot addiction, she is also addicted to speed. shes been doing it regularly for over a year, and within the last 8 months her addiction has just got worse, and farther and farther out of hand. I knew that she wasnt just smoking weed, and i knew that she was doing speed every once in a while, but i didnt know it was a regular basis, or how sever everything was.
but everytime she was high, we would fight. and she was high alot. so we fought alot.
and throughout those fights, we both said a lot of hurtful things to eachother. things that made me no longer trust my mom. it escalated to the point of where, i didnt want to be in a car with her, cuz who knows how high she was and whether or not she was able to drive. I didnt want to talk to her anymore, because everything she said was either hurtful or a lie.
basically, it got really bad.
then on her birthday. she was high. again.. and i got super pissed off. it was supposed to be a day we were gunna spend together, but she couldnt seem to get through spending a day with me sober. so i stayed away. i didnt take her anywhere, i didnt put any effort into getting ready for dinner, i didnt buy her any presents. nothing.
so then at dinner, she threw a hissy fit becuase we didnt buy her any presents. and she was acting liek a fool. everything she said just irritated me beyond belief. and apparently it got to dad too. so the next day him and mom had a big talk. and the end result was mom went to rehab.
and i know im supposed to be happy for her that she went, but theres so much hatred built up, and soo many things that she has done to make me not believe her, that i have no faith in her. as much as i want her to get better, i dont think she will.
and it really sucks that i cant have faith in my mom. its rather pathetic.

i stopped there.. not because thats all i have to say, but because i dont know how to say it. maybe after this meeting tomorrow it will let me finish this letter, because i know i need to.

and maybe one day i can show this to her.

maybe.