Blondes have more fun

So much has changed this year. And it has only been a month. I don't know if I can quite articulate the thought process that has been going through my head lately. I just know that only one person on this earth understands what is exactly going through my head at this point. Because I think she fully grasps the weight of everything that has happened, and she understands, and even though it may feel like I'm abandoning her, she is still happy for me. I've been truly blessed with her friendship, and her understanding.

So, I'm going to try and write this out, and explain it all in the best way I can so that people can understand my thought process and the weight of my decisions, and the story behind them.

The first thing that changed this year was my hair color. I feel like that initial change kind of sparked it all. I don't know why, I just feel like it did. I posted on facebook about change and then said that I liked change, but then I slowly started to realize that my fear of change was kind of holding me back.

So I officially made a decision to change churches. I don't know how many people realize how bug of a change that is for me. I'm a creature of habit, I think to a sense everyone is, but I like routine. I get bored with routines, but I like having a routine in my life. Church kind of became that routine. I went, I listened, and I went home. I went, I taught and I went to work. Just, routine. Nothing thought provoking, just a part of the routine. But my bible study, oh man my bible study sparked my mind. In many ways. I joke that the boys draw me in, but the lessons just keep my coming back. I've taken something from every lesson, something that I need to think about, and something that I need to act on. It's not routine, its ever changing, and even as a creature of habit, I need that change.

One lesson was to act on God's will RIGHT NOW. Not to wait until the timing was right, but to act right now. I pushed that to the back of my head because I had my timing set. I was going to leave after the back to school retreat.That way I could finish my commitment. And I had time. More time to wait I guess. But, God had a different plan for me. He said, right now. Not next week, not next month, but right now.

Leaving my old church hurts. Like, a kick in the stomach and a slap across the face. I was in physical pain saying my good byes last Wednesday. I did it with the kids with a smile, because that is the kind of reaction they deserve. That they need. They need to think and know that I am okay. That this is a good thing, but surrounded by the people who have lifted me up and prayed for me and hugged me when I was having a bad day, I lost it. It hurts so much to leave these people behind. These people that love me despite my flaws, these people that I have been with through their pain. These people that cheered my on as I got baptized, and gave me words of encouragement when I started teaching, and praises when they approved of how I taught and the response the children gave me. And leaving the kids. Oh my goodness, the kids. I'm going to die on the inside when I leave the munchkins. No joke. My going away party with my second graders is going to be ridiculous. And I'm going to cherish every last moment of it, because no matter how painful it may be, this is good.

So the catalyst that brought this change on. I've always had one thing holding me back from management. My kids. My second graders that I just can't say good bye too. And church. But, my new church has Saturday night service. So on those Sundays that I am going to have to work, I will have Saturday night to look forward to. But anyways, I've always been so adament about not giving up my Sunday's for a better job. But I'm in desperate need of a new job. Desperate need of more money. I'm just not making enough right now. Its hard.


.... I stopped here, and I can't seem to pick up where I left off. Whatever. Lol