hiding from the darkness

I tend to come to this blog when I'm hiding from the darkness. It's seeping into my life again, and I've spent so much time in the light that I kind of forget what this place is like. If people would pay attention they would know when the darkness is coming. It starts when I become more obsessed with the fandoms, when I spend more time on the computer then I spend off of it, when I lose myself into books and fan fictions and any other reading material that I can get my hands on because this world is a messed up place, and I can escape to my world of sunshine and rainbows and happiness, but when I escape to the sunshine my reality gets darker. Its dimming day by day. Turning 23 really threw me for a loop. Aren't I supposed to have shit figured out by now? Shouldn't I be on my way to a career? finished with college? getting close to marriage? Kids? LOL OH WAIT. I can't have kids. We can scratch that off of my bucketlist I guess I'm starting this journey with my family, and I'm not sure I even want to and I think thats part of what is bringing on the darkness. Celebrate Recovery sounds like a grand ole time, but I'm not excited. I don't want to deal with my crap, I want to live in the sunshine and rainbows and go to concerts and just pretend everything is okay. because I'm really good at pretending It's dark outside.