2013 reflections

Last year was insane. I've written before about how I am constantly on a roller coaster, but it seemed like Feb-Aug was just this deep pit that I could just not claw my way out of. It was hard, and depressing, and boring, and a complete and total waste of time. Because I could have done so much more in those months. Life is full of moments and every moment has the potential to be a memory and I just did not work hard enough to make good memories in that time period. But the year turned around and it ended on a pretty good note. I lost some friends last year, and I gained some. I distanced myself from one church family and found solace in a beautiful group of women. I renewed a friendship with someone who has put up with me far more then I deserve. I met people that I've talked to for years. I was crazy, I was spontaneous, I was dangerous, but most importantly I was blessed. In so many ways. :]
Here are a few of my favorite memories:

I partied the new year in with my rockstar, with Taylor and four little munchkins that I've grown to love. I watched Fashion Bug close from the inside and lost my job, and spent the next six weeks dancing a lot and drinking way too much. On one of those nights that I was drinking I convinced Casey (an internet friend) to come out for her 21st birthday. I rented a car for the weekend and we ended up getting a kick ass red mustang. And then I drove to Bakersfield in the middle of the night to pick her up because it was fun. And then we went on a club crawl and met silly boys and laughed way too hard. I bought a bunk bed and redid mine and Makayla's room and finally felt like I had a piece of home to call my own. I started going out to the shop with dad and Makayla, and fell in love with racing all over again. And I went to the circus and didn't pass out. And Makayla rode an elephant!

I watched the superbowl. And posted an instagram picture that was exactly like Joe Jonas' (he's such a copycat) I started a new job on Valentines day and HATED IT. I met Britt Nicole and listened to her sing All This Time live from like 6 feet away. The Jonas Brothers made a come back. I bought a car. I MET TAYLOR SWIFT. TWICE. I discovered moscato. And I've probably had like 10 bottles of it since then because fancy girls drink wine ;] I turned 23 and had the WORST birthday ever. My car broke down, I didn't get to go to my birthday dinner, I almost wasn't able to go to my birthday party that I had planned. A bunch of people showed up and it made me really happy but the night ended up on a sour note. I gave my car back, and then I started Celebrate Recovery.

I was reckless, I died my hair pink, I ate in sketchy chinese restaurants at 2 am, I pierced my ear in a walmart bathroom and it didn't get infected, and a whole bunch of other 2am adventures that didn't need to be photgraphed. I bought an iPhone (which Im moderately obsessed with) I ombre'd my sisters hair. Twice. And it turned out really good. I was sick for SIX WEEKS. Straight. I was partially deaf for five of those weeks. Then I got surgery and felt like I had supersonic hearing for two weeks after. I developed a fear of getting my head wet because I didn't want to get another ear infection. I still stress when I'm in the shower. I learned the true meaning of God being in control and I've made a daily effort to give up the reigns that I think I have on my life and let Him take the wheel. I didn't get to go to camp. And it was last minute. And it literally broke my heart into piece. I cried when I made the decision, I cried when anyone posted about it. I cried as the busses pulled out, but I spent the entire week focusing on other things and praying about a specific friendship in my life. A friendship that was okay, but had the potential to be so much more. And God used that weeks and the weeks to follow to grow me closer and closer to my best friend. I bought way too many iPhone cases.

I won meet and greets to meet the Jonas Brothers. I literally laid my head down and sobbed in the middle of a buffet on the strip. I met the Jonas brothers and had a full on conversation and told them how much they meant. And then the next day I found out I had the chance to meet them again in LA a week later so I bought a bus ticket and rode all night to Los Angelos and took a subway and a city bus to CityWalk and got to go to their Huawei VIP party. And then I met up with the most amazing people on this planet. And then I watched the boys and the band take their last bow on their last tour ever. I met Miley Cyrus. And I say the backstreet boys. Again. Still the best concert ever. I catered a wedding, while watching a three year old. And while wearing boots. Silly >.<

I watched Tim Mcgraw life with my bestie. We like concerts and country music. I started working at ross, and then I started Nannying and I worked a whole bunch of hours between the two jobs. I won a BUNCH of money on penny slots randomly, and then spent way too much on makeup. I overly planned a trip to Denver and then cancelled it three hours before it was supposed to happen, but through planning that trip I reconnected with a friend that I really hadn't talked to in a while. And I'm so blessed to have her in my life.. I drank A LOT of coffee. I last minute planned a trip to Utah with the best friend and our sisters. And it was amazing. And I made a lot of pinterest crafts. Including a two dimensional christmas tree. There were so many fun memories last year, and I can't wait to make so many more.

hiding from the darkness

I tend to come to this blog when I'm hiding from the darkness. It's seeping into my life again, and I've spent so much time in the light that I kind of forget what this place is like. If people would pay attention they would know when the darkness is coming. It starts when I become more obsessed with the fandoms, when I spend more time on the computer then I spend off of it, when I lose myself into books and fan fictions and any other reading material that I can get my hands on because this world is a messed up place, and I can escape to my world of sunshine and rainbows and happiness, but when I escape to the sunshine my reality gets darker. Its dimming day by day. Turning 23 really threw me for a loop. Aren't I supposed to have shit figured out by now? Shouldn't I be on my way to a career? finished with college? getting close to marriage? Kids? LOL OH WAIT. I can't have kids. We can scratch that off of my bucketlist I guess I'm starting this journey with my family, and I'm not sure I even want to and I think thats part of what is bringing on the darkness. Celebrate Recovery sounds like a grand ole time, but I'm not excited. I don't want to deal with my crap, I want to live in the sunshine and rainbows and go to concerts and just pretend everything is okay. because I'm really good at pretending It's dark outside.

Go

I want to go to Africa. I want to change someone's life. I want to be a light. I want to hold an orphan. I want to see the effects of the diseases that run rampant and kill so many. I want to a tool. I want to be salty. I want to be a disciple. I want to feel the heat of the African sun burning my skin. I want to feel the hard ground that the Africans sleep on. I want to learn. I want to teach. I want to love. I want to go <3

hugs from Jesus

I wish I had a button where I could just record my thoughts and some computer program would type them up for me. Because I'd have a hell of a lot more blogs if I didn't have to waste my time to type them up. And its funny, because of the bus system I have a lot of wasted time which translates to a lot of thinking. And it would translate to a lot of blogging if I wasn't so lazy. Haha

But I have a few typed up on my phone. But only one was ever finished and actually got posted. Its my favorite blog I've written so far with the exception of my amazing grace one I wrote two years ago

I look back and think of why I started the blog. It was actually the day my mom went into rehab. And I wanted an online way to vent my frustrations. I never finished that first blog because my anger was endless. I could have spent hours and nothing would have ever completed it. I posted a blog about my feelings towards my moms sobriety and a paper that I wrote based on it. My life has been affected greatly because of my moms sobriety. I know that God used her life to help shape mine and its so weird to look back on the things that have changed because she picked us over her addiction.

Its funny how my attitude has changed toward that last sentence in the last few years. When mom first got sober I almost held it over her head that she had to choose between us and her drugs. Like, in my mind there is no choice whatsoever, and you shouldn't have to even think twice. I mean, family comes first always. But I'm not an alcoholic so I don't know how those thoughts affected her. Because in her mind there had to be something pretty damn powerful to get her to put down that pipe. And now I can look at that time of reflection in her life and smile. Because I was powerful enough to get her to put it down. Makayla was powerful enough. Dad was powerful enough. But most of all God is and always will be powerful enough to help mom conquer her demons.

Because of that decision I found God. I mean, I'm sure I would have found Jesus eventually, it was obviously in His plan for me to find Him. But that one decision my mom made has changed my life drastically. Its funny, because the moments directly after that decision was made are often overlooked when I tell my testimony. See, right after mom made that decision Dad asked me to pray with him. And we prayed for mom. We prayed with tears streaming down our faces and after they left I listened to Dear God by Nick Jonas on repeat for over an hour. Because I needed something to cling to and I leaned on Jesus before I even knew that I loved him.

That's a moment I think of often. Whenever I'm feeling lost or lonely or broken. I think of that first hug I got from God before I even knew I could get hugs from him daily.

I guess the point of my thoughts is that I may be lost and I may be broken and I may not know what the heck I'm doing right now. But God is there willing to lend a hug. Willing to be my shoulder to cry. Willing to give me advice and show me the way. Because even when I don't know that I can, he's always there reaching for a hug.

Joy

Today I woke up excited for bible study. It's been a while since I have been excited. I'm one of those people who absorb what others are feeling and I let other peoples opinions feed into mine. Not that my opinions are my own, but I just feel what others feel and sometimes that can get in the way.

And lately I've really been letting others opinions sway mine, and that is not okay. I am my own person, and it is perfectly okay to NOT agree with the masses

So I made that decision tonight, because I need to be myself and to fix a few things in myself in order to enjoy the Joy that God so freely gives to me.

And I started working on them. I had a few awesome conversations tonight. I fessed up to some mistakes I had been making, and I put my heart in check. Because sometimes it can be in the wrong place, but I'm working on putting it back in check.

I'm choosing Joy :]

the sandbox

I had a friend tell me the other day that she felt like she was so much older then me. And I kind of wanted to laugh. I mean, technically she is older, but not by much at all. But life wise. Yeah definitely not older. I mean she has some responsibilities and what not and she's had her fair share or tragedy in her life and these things make you grow up. But honestly? I'm 21, second in command at my job (she'd be management but she doesn't have the balls to go for it) I live on my own, and I pay for all of my bills. Are you really going to try and call me a child right now? Honestly.

I haven't talked to her since. I'm too immature to hang out with her anyways ;)

#2

I'm not happy with you at the moment. And I really don't like being upset with one of the most happiest people on the planet. It's kind of ridiculous.

I was so supportive of your endeavors, but it really looks like it has turned and bitten me in the ass. I told you it was okay to live, as long as you had your priorities straight. And I honestly believe that they are wrong. They are so horribly messed up at the moment, and I just don't know how to get you back on track.

That was my job, was to keep you on track. And part of the reason why I am so upset is because I failed at the job you gave me. That a lot of people knew that I had. You counted on me, and I failed you.

So basically we both kind of suck right now.

I need you. There have been so many times where I've needed you, and it just doesn't seem like you are always there. I've made it through without you, but I thought the point of all of this was that I didn't have to go through it without you.

You know I SERIOUSLY rethought moving out because of that thing. Like, completely and honestly reconsidered. And I almost let you get away with the first thing that has made me completely happy in months. Because I'm really good at pretending to be happy, but I'm really not as happy as it seems.

I almost want to tear up our list. It really doesn't matter. We don't go through it when we see each other anyways. Because we rarely see each other, so we spend our time catching up

Speaking of seeing each other. The real reason I'm upset. Way to ignore my texts. I mean, honestly. A simple no would have sufficed. I just wanted to know times. You didn't have to offer to go if you didn't really want to. And then to not even answer when I try to confirm. Seriously? Who does that. Until we talk about that, we really aren't going to be okay. Because that makes me really mad.

I still love you. With all of my heart. And I still firmly believe that God put us together for a reason. We just need to find that reason again.