He is my portion, and I am His prize.

I was thinking about this song this morning, and I just.. I don't know, I feel somewhat unsettled? They aren't kidding when they say that the farther you get into the Word, the farther you feel away from God.

I mean honestly, I feel like God gets shafted A LOT of the time. I mean, He gets to be my portion. AS in, he is absolutely everything that I need. Whatever I need, He provides for me. But.. I am His prize? What kind of prize am I? I'm no better then anyone else, obviously, but.. What is it that makes me His prize? I lie, I cuss, I definitely don't read my bible everyday, and there are times where I just don't want to live my life for Him. Sometimes I want to be of this world and not living for Him.

God's seriously getting shafted, but I can change that. I don't need to make Him get the short end of the stick. I can live my life for Him. I can read my bible, I can talk to Him on a regular basis. I'm done shafting my Father. He deserves more then that from me :]

and we prayed

We had a rando dance party tonight with my college group. Like when I say random I mean it was planned at 2pm this afternoon. Why? Because Britney spears released a new song. That's relly it. Sometimes we just do stuff like that. So we danced and acted like fools and laughed, and at the end we prayed. Because that's what we do as a body of believers. We give thanks and stand in a circle and hold hands and that God for our blessings. And let me tell you, we have a lot to be thankful for. I know I do :)

Who I am?!

I've been trying to figure out how to word my profile for Christian Mingles for the longest time. Most of the time my about me sections are full of clever little one liners that I've probably stolen from someone else. And they are allllll full of sarcasm. And I don't think that is going to go over well with someone who is looking for a relationship, but then of course I backtrack and I'm like, wait a freaking minute here, they need to like me for Who I am.

I'm so bad at this crap. hahah

Exactly where you need to be.

Isn't it funny how I change churches because I feel like this new church can help me find a mission to go on. I really feel like I'm being called to the field, so switching churches was so that I could find someone to help me get there, because I don't know how to do it on my own. And literally TWO DAYS after I switch, I find out about a meeting for a trip to Africa. AFRICA!! THIS SUMMER!! How epic would that be? I mean, seriously. TWO DAYS. Two freaking days, and I have a meeting lined up. I'm not saying THIS is going to be the trip that God has called me to, but if anything this meeting is a little 'thank you' from God for listening to what he has to say. For finally standing with two feet in, and for finally taking that leap of faith into His arms. I went into all of this change blindly, and my eyes are opening wider as I see the fruits of His labor. He is being revealed to me from ALL sides, and it is just amazing.

I'm so excited for this meeting. I don't even know how to explain it. But I can't waitt!! :]

Fun Facts.

I think I kind of discovered what I needed to discover with my funfacts. I still have blogs unwritten, and drafts, but I'm deleting them all, because they were all things that I needed to get out in that moment in time, but they don't mean much anymore. A lot of the fun facts I came up with, I thought of while I was at work. And with my promotion, I don't have the idle time I had as an associate. There is always something I need to be working on, or thinking of, so I don't have time to dwell on all of the things that I think are wrong with me. Because, face it. We all have stuff that is wrong with us, and we all have things that we want to change, and I thought the blogs were going to help me with that. I had a plan in mind with them when I first started. I was suppossed to point out a flaw and make a goal with how to fix it. I only did that with the second one. And I fixed it. I just did a MAJOR overhaul of a lot of stuff in my room, and it feels good to get rid of so much stuff. My room is still trashed, but at least there isn't so much TRASH.

^^haha, I thought that was clever.

But anyways. I had way too much caffiene tonight, so I can't really sleep. And I might just be a little bit nervous about tomorrow. I don't know why. I think it is because I'm doing this without Bre. And I think that is the funniest part, is becasue part of this change is to have a little bit of separation in our lives. I love her, but we were kind of becoming the same person. We both need some time to change and to blossom. She has helped change me so much. And I've helped her. I loved our talk we had a few weeks ago about the changes that we have gone through together.

I think I may have gotten myself out of my funk, without medicating myself. We'll see how long this lasts though. I might just be on a weird high of change. Who knows. I'm so excited for all of the fun things that are going to happen in the future. I just can't wait to see how it all turns out.

Blondes have more fun

So much has changed this year. And it has only been a month. I don't know if I can quite articulate the thought process that has been going through my head lately. I just know that only one person on this earth understands what is exactly going through my head at this point. Because I think she fully grasps the weight of everything that has happened, and she understands, and even though it may feel like I'm abandoning her, she is still happy for me. I've been truly blessed with her friendship, and her understanding.

So, I'm going to try and write this out, and explain it all in the best way I can so that people can understand my thought process and the weight of my decisions, and the story behind them.

The first thing that changed this year was my hair color. I feel like that initial change kind of sparked it all. I don't know why, I just feel like it did. I posted on facebook about change and then said that I liked change, but then I slowly started to realize that my fear of change was kind of holding me back.

So I officially made a decision to change churches. I don't know how many people realize how bug of a change that is for me. I'm a creature of habit, I think to a sense everyone is, but I like routine. I get bored with routines, but I like having a routine in my life. Church kind of became that routine. I went, I listened, and I went home. I went, I taught and I went to work. Just, routine. Nothing thought provoking, just a part of the routine. But my bible study, oh man my bible study sparked my mind. In many ways. I joke that the boys draw me in, but the lessons just keep my coming back. I've taken something from every lesson, something that I need to think about, and something that I need to act on. It's not routine, its ever changing, and even as a creature of habit, I need that change.

One lesson was to act on God's will RIGHT NOW. Not to wait until the timing was right, but to act right now. I pushed that to the back of my head because I had my timing set. I was going to leave after the back to school retreat.That way I could finish my commitment. And I had time. More time to wait I guess. But, God had a different plan for me. He said, right now. Not next week, not next month, but right now.

Leaving my old church hurts. Like, a kick in the stomach and a slap across the face. I was in physical pain saying my good byes last Wednesday. I did it with the kids with a smile, because that is the kind of reaction they deserve. That they need. They need to think and know that I am okay. That this is a good thing, but surrounded by the people who have lifted me up and prayed for me and hugged me when I was having a bad day, I lost it. It hurts so much to leave these people behind. These people that love me despite my flaws, these people that I have been with through their pain. These people that cheered my on as I got baptized, and gave me words of encouragement when I started teaching, and praises when they approved of how I taught and the response the children gave me. And leaving the kids. Oh my goodness, the kids. I'm going to die on the inside when I leave the munchkins. No joke. My going away party with my second graders is going to be ridiculous. And I'm going to cherish every last moment of it, because no matter how painful it may be, this is good.

So the catalyst that brought this change on. I've always had one thing holding me back from management. My kids. My second graders that I just can't say good bye too. And church. But, my new church has Saturday night service. So on those Sundays that I am going to have to work, I will have Saturday night to look forward to. But anyways, I've always been so adament about not giving up my Sunday's for a better job. But I'm in desperate need of a new job. Desperate need of more money. I'm just not making enough right now. Its hard.


.... I stopped here, and I can't seem to pick up where I left off. Whatever. Lol

asdfkj;lk

This changing churches thing is killing me. I wish I had made a decision so much later in the game. Like. July. July would have been a GREAT time to make the decision. aslkdjfkl. It hurts my heart to know that I'm leaving my munchkins behind. All of my favorite little ones that I adore, and that have helped me grow so much. And the parents of my favorite munchkins. Its going to seriously SUCK not seeing them twice a week. I've grown to depend on these ladies, but I know that my relationship with God has GOT to overcome any earthly relationship I might have, and if God is pulling my heart somewhere else, then I need to follow Him. His path is the right one, and I know that the enemy is the one making this so difficult, but I have to keep this decision of mine to myself (well mostly to myself anyways) for another eight months. EIGHT FREAKING MONTHS. I'm slowly telling people, but I don't want it to be a huge deal. But I don't just want to drop off the face of the earth either. Every Sunday morning I wake up and think, this is one Sunday closer to being at Shadow Hills. I'm so scared, so nervous. I... I just.. I know I've made the right decision for me. For my family. But.. ahhhhh. Its so hard :(

I'm talking in circles. If only I could write how many circles my mind is going it. Ugh.