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I love them.
I reply to them :]
so you know, dont be a creeeper and just read. you could comment too.

HAPPPY NEVADA DAYYY!!

--oh, and happy halloween too <3

my sister

has got to be the most ADORABLE thing in the world.
just children in general are adorable

but my sister, she really takes the cake. And if you ever want to argue that, we can go rounds. because I adore that little munchkin, even if she is a pain in my butt sometimes.
She's just so sassy, and so fun to talk to sometimes. LOL.
I know, you could think I'm lame for hanging out with an 8 year old, but I can guarantee you would want to hang out with her too. When I take her to stuff at school she has so much fun, it's adorable. LOL. And when we go to the movies, or when she tries really hard to stay up late with sissy. She's just too cute for words.

I think she's recently decided that she loves me a bunch too, because now everytime I come home she drops whatever she's doing and tackles me. Its freaking amazing. Love that kid :]

I woke up in a good mood today, and im planning on keeping it that way. Weeeeee <3

sooo

had a good talk with my mom yesterday.
turns out she was having a bad week last week, so our we both apologized.
we're good for now, but im still on the lookout for a job because i still wanna move out ;]

my halloween is going to suck
but whatever.
you know whats going to be amazing? my birthday. wanna know why? because I'll be in Pittsburgh. Which will be awesometastic :D hahaa.

i can't waiiiittttttt. And the fact that I have something to look forward to is making getting through all of this rough stuff a whole ton easier :]

torn

just torn. I can't even articulate my thoughts they are so freaking jumbled. Bleh.

I dont really feeel like writing anything new

So I am going to revisit something, that will hopefully make me get in the right frame of mind to fix this shit with my mom.
I love her, I really do, and after reading Bella's comment(thanksboo!) I realized its probably not all her, and I need to see both sides
So, I'm going to do my best to fix my side, and hopefully she will soon follow.
And in order for me to fix my side, I'm going to go back to a time where I truly appreciated her,
This was a paper I wrote about 10 months ago.

Broken Wounds

I could not pinpoint the exact day it was all fixed. I could not tell you the event that made it all okay. I probably can not even say that it is all fixed, even now. What I can tell you is that it is better. I can honestly say that it has improved tremendously. I would like to take you on a journey that I call, "my mom's sobriety."

In order for you to understand her sobriety, you have to understand what I call, "the before life." My mom worked nights at her job, so she was not home that often, but when she was, we were either fighting, or making up from the fight we had the day before. We were both really good at putting the blame for the arguments on each other, whether it was because of my laziness, or because of her attitude while she was high. Our fights always seemed to be over the most pointless things too. The fight would start off with something simple, such as me not doing the dishes, but because of my pent up anger they would escalate to screaming matches that I am sure had the neighbors wondering what had happened. Our fights were more frequent while she was coming down from a drug binge, and those would be the days I would cry my eyes out while counting down the days until college started.

I had thoughts of moving in with my aunt a few times, but I could never leave my six year old sister behind with my mom. I did not trust her enough to take care of her own daughter. I could not leave my dad behind to deal with her either, so I just had to be strong and go through the motions of pretending to be a happy little family. I did my best to make the most of my senior year of high school. I washed dishes at the Italian festival to go to homecoming. I went out with my friends as much as possible, to movies or to the park, and just stayed out of the house and stayed away from her as much as I could. Life at home kept getting worse, but I stayed collected on the outside, thinking forward to the day when I could escape.

February 19, 2008, was a turning point. No, it was not the day when it all changed, but it was the day that the first step to the road to recovery was made. Not everything clicked on this day, but this was the day my mom admitted she had a problem. I remember coming home from school that day, still mad at her from what had happened the day before. We had gone out to dinner for her birthday the night before, and she was upset because we hadn't gotten her any presents. She walked out on dinner, and walked around at the outdoor mall, while my dad called off the birthday song, and paid the bill. Dad was upset because her birthday was ruined, and I was mad that she couldn't seem to spend more then an hour with her own family without being high. When I walked through the front door, on my way to the bathroom I saw my parents sitting on their bed, both of them crying. My first thought was, "Oh great, another fight, and just another sob story that dad was going to believe." The scene in front of me instantly flared my anger, and I silently repeated, just a few more months until I moved out to myself.

Figuring Mom was going to drag me into their fight somehow, I went in my room to fold my laundry that had been sitting around for a few days. If I was going to get into trouble, I might as well soften the blow. It was while I was folding my laundry that she came into my room, with Dad right behind her. Her eyes were bloodshot, and I could not tell if that was because she was high, or if they were genuine tears coming out of her eyes. I looked past her, because I was used to not looking her in the face when she was talking, and my eyes fell upon my dads face. His eyes were lined with crimson, and that was a warning signal for me. Thoughts started racing through my head at speeds of over one hundred miles an hour. I went from thoughts of my parents getting a divorce, to getting grounded again and being grounded on my eighteenth birthday that was coming up.

Before my mom could even utter a word I turned around and started folding my laundry again. She was sobbing, and close to hyperventilation, then she said, "Tasha I need to tell you something. I'm addicted to crystal meth."

"Well, duh, I could have told you that," I thought to myself instantly.

"And, I need help."

"Ding ding ding, we have a winner."

"So I'm going to rehab." As soon as those words spilled out of her mouth, my mind came to a screeching halt, and I raced over to my mom. I do not remember if I ran or walked, but all I know is that within moments I was holding her in my arms. She looked like a weak bird that had fallen out of her nest. I just hoped that rehab would teach her how to fly.

Mom spent a few days in rehab, and many people would see that as the turning point in our relationship, but that was only to outside viewers. Of course, we talked about silly things, like boys and how school was going, and the future. The tension in the house had died down, but our relationship was still not better. We were only a few steps into the road to recovery, and I lived in fear that my mom would suddenly decide to make a U-turn. Because of this fear, I tried my hardest to not open up to her. She would always talk about the walls that she would have to learn to break down in order to strengthen herself in the long run. Little did either of my parents know, I had built up walls of my own.

My mom went to her daily meetings, and did everything she was supposed to do in order to stay sober. She was building up trust in herself and mending old relationships and friendships that had been tattered while she was still abusing. We both worked hard at getting along, although I know she worked harder. My initial thought on the entire situation was, the last seven years of damage could not, and would not be fixed in six months. In six months I would be out of her house, and I would not have to worry about mending our broken relationship. I kept my distance, praising her when she deserved it, but I was always cautious, because at any moment she could run into an old friend and take that U-turn in the road.

Eventually, I started going to the meetings with my mom. I listened to what the other people had to say about their recovery, and I learned that there were many similarities in our lives as there were in theirs. One day, when I was at a meeting, I heard my mom speak. She started sharing about how grateful she was that her family was her main support system in her recovery. I was happy that I could help my mom in the way that she needed, and it was after listening to her that one time that I started to trust her again. I learned that my mom was a strong person, and when she sets her mind on something, she can do whatever she wants to.

Right now, she wants to be sober, and I can finally believe her when she says that. My mom has many friends that look up to her because what she has accomplished in just a few short months takes many others years to learn. She has managed to find the stability she needs to stay sober, and she has stabilized many relationships that had been damaged in "The before life." I am extremely happy that I finally have that trust in my mom that I always wanted to have. I have the relationship with her that so many daughters yearn for. It took me a while, but I finally grabbed my moms hand and skipped along with her, down her road to recovery.

I want to skip with my Mommy again. I miss her. Soo much. <3

daily daily daily

Thats my goal right now, is to start blogging daily. I need an outlet, because I'm in a funk. Once again. It always happens mid semester. I start to give up. And I recognize the signs, I really do, I just don't know how to stop it. It's really starting to annoy me that I can lose all of my mojo mid semester. My grades were doing SOOO freaking well for the first half, and they have all slipped, and I need some sort of motivation to get me going again.
You would think losing a thousand dollar scholarship and the one thing that you looked forward too would be enough motivation, but I've changes as a person.
RPC isn't as important to me anymore.

I've said it before, but there are certain places where it always feels like there's a circle and I'm always sitting right out side of it, Pushed off to the side if you will. But I've found the one place where I am laughing and standing right in the middle, and day by day more people are crowding around for a giant group hug. and that place is church. I don't know what I would be doing with my life right now if I hadn't found a passion for the children at church.

The innocent love that a child gives is the most endearing thing in the world, and the fact that there are so many children who come up to me and hug me when they see me makes my world go round. (and not in a pedo way you freaks :p) They are all so adorable, and so incredibly unique, and so loving. I feel like when I pull into the church parking lot I let out this giant sigh of relief. I feel like I'm home.

So I feel like, I need to motivate myself in my schooling to be a good example for those little ones, my munchkins as I call them, and do well in school. But UGH. this stpuid funk, I just can't get out of it.

blehh, I'm working on it. I'm going to finish all of my assignments this week. That is my goal, and step one to getting me out of my funk. And, I'll try and post everyday so that I can keep myself on my toes. LOL

anyways, I've gotta get ready for work. Thank goodness I get these extra four hours. Goodness knows I need them.
<3

Hmm.

I absolutely love the feeling that I get when I feel like I don't belong somewhere. You know the feeling? The sinking in your stomach, the heart wrenching feeling. Everyone gets it at times. I'm perfectly fine when I get it at school, or when I'm around some of mom's friends. That's fine with me, because I can take myself out of the situation, and go to a place where I am wanted.

That place used to be home, but I can't say that anymore.
I feel like every-time I walk through the door, I'm a burden on everyone else. The only person who actually greets me anymore is Makayla.
And it isn't just a feeling, I just feel like i need to get out of this house, because my presence isn't healthy for anyone. There's rarely more then a few days go by where I'm not fighting with one of my parents, and that puts a strain on them. it's just better if I'm not here.
and before anyone gets all freaked out, I'm not suicidal, I just want to move out. So no spazzing kay?
Anyways. The other things. They may seem trivial, but they really irritate me. Mom Dad and Makayla went to get flu shots on Sunday while I was at work. I'm glad they care about my health enough to take me to get a flu shot. But apparently, that doesn't really matter. They go out and get food all the time, and don't bother to call me to see if I'm home and if I'm hungry. Half of the time, I don't want anything. But you calling and asking is sure a hell of a lot better then you coming home and trying to hide the fact that you forgot about me again, and trying to say, Oh, I didn't know you were home.

Or, that time where you made me get up at 9 during the summer, so that I wasn't missing out on the 'quality time' I had with mom. And usually, right when I woke up you were leaving to take your nap. Great 'quality time' mom. But, its okay, because I like you best when you are sleeping anyways.

Or you know, the mole that I have on my neck, that I have complained about multiple times. It hurts, really bad. I'd appreciate it if you'd at least get a dermatologist number with me. You don't have to come with or anything, and fuck, I'll pay for it. I just need to know where to go. If you haven't been able to tell, I'm worried about it. Completely worried. Like. Freaked OUT. and all I get when I mention it is an insincere 'im sorry' Thanks, really I appreciate it.

Or, my teeth. They hurt when I eat anything cold, or drink anything cold. Which is you know, all the time. So it's kind of painful. When I ask for the number for that, and tell you that I'll go by myself and schedule my own appointment, you just kind of brush it off. But if Makayla says one thing about her tooth, she has an appointment the next morning.

I'm just sayin' this is all kind of bull shit. So, I'm never home. Which I am sure makes you more upset, but I don't really care. because I have no intentions what so ever of being in a place where I don't feel welcome.


So as of today, well tomorrow, because today is full. I'm going to be looking for a job. A job that will pay me around $700 a month so that I can move out. Because, this shit isn't healthy, and I think we've all learned that the family gets along better when I'm not home.