Thanksgiving <3

Last night we had Thanksgiving service, and the basic message was to be grateful. This was a message that pastor has already preached, but I'm grateful I got to hear it again, because it was something I needed to hear.
I'm sure if I go back to old sermons, I would get an entirely different message from it today then I did a year ago, and even two weeks ago. It's pretty intense.

Even though I know that I should be thankful all the time, in the spirit of the holiday I am going to write out what I am thankful for.

First of all, I am thankful to know that Jesus is my savior, and because of him I have salvation. Coming from someone who used to be so afraid of death, the change in me ever since I have accepted Jesus into my life has been amazing. I now know what happens when I pass, and I can honestly say that the day my Father calls me home will be one worth rejoicing in. Until then, I will live the fullest life I can possibly live, and hopefully one that makes Him proud.

I'm thankful for my family. They are truly pains in the butt sometimes, but I could never go a day without loving them. We work so hard on mending our relationships, and I am so thankful for the progress we have made.

My friends- whether you are someone that I know face to face, or you are a voice that I just listen to on the phone, and words i read on a computer screen, I love you <3
I have a lot of BEST friends, and it may seem weird, but there is a complete distinction between someone i talk to on a regular basis, and someone I can turn to in a time of need, and if you are one of those people, thank you so much. You have no idea how much I appreciate it when someone just listens.

Here goes my long list of my BEST friends
Randi- My favorite pain in the ass :] We annoy the shit out of each other, but I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you. You've been there for me more times then I can count, and nothing could ever repay you for that. Love you bestie <3
My Twinner :] I cannot wait to come to Pittsburgh. You have no idea how stoked I am :D. Sometimes we can talk on the phone for forever, and other times we could go forever without talking, but in the end you'll always be my twin and the best best friend I've never met!
Bre&Tay -The other two sides to the most amazing acute triangle you will ever meet. We are weird, and crazy, well as crazy as three girls from church can get, but crazy none the less. Bre I enjoy taking you out at midnight and keeping you awake later then you've ever stayed up before. And Tay, I can't believe we've gotten so close so fast. It means a lot to have two amazing friends at church that I can go to!
Jessy, my love! You are the first person to text me when I'm upset, and most of the time the only one who can make me smile. you are effing amazing, doll face, and half the time you don't even know it. I can't wait until you are my lawyer, and you help me out of all of the shit I'm going to get into when I finally move into LA. And let us not forget your JAR JAR babies. I will win an award for best centerpiece ever, just wait and see! Next summer is going to be epic, and as soon as SHEVOLI has working tires and I'm allowed to drive farther then down the street, you will probably get sick of me, but we'll have a blast! hahaa
Nikki! I don't get to see you nearly as often as I would like, but thats life. We still manage to have a blast when we are together. Love you!

This is going to sound corny, but I'm thankful for Corbin Bleu. Because without him, I wouldn't have met the majority of the best people I have ever met. All of my CBF friends are absolutely fantastic, and I wouldn't trade you for the world.
My Jonas friends, you all have no idea how much you make me laugh. The majority of our conversation happens through livechats, and twitter, but you are all amazing none the less.

I'm thankful for every single person that has come into my life, whether it be in person or online. God put you in my life for some reason, and I'm thankful that He has been so gracious in giving me some amazing friends.

I'm thankful for the amazing music that I have to listen to. I don't have the most diverse taste in music, but what can I say. I love my inner 12 year old.
I'm thankful that I was able to buy my car this year. It has been a blessing in so many different ways. I'm thankful that I'm able to get a college education. Not everyone is able to, and I'm happy I can use my resources as a mean to fund my future.
I'm sure I missed a million things, but if you somehow read this blog, know that I am thankful for you. Because you care enough to read a little blurb about my life, so thank you for you <3

soo

I did my hair yesterday, and it seriously took me like, an hour.. and I only got one compliment.
I'm not one to fish for compliments. But last night it made me sad, so when I got home I woke my mom up and told her to tell me I looked pretty.
I know, im vain, but whatever. LOL

We're singing karaoke tonight. cuuurazy mother seems to think i can sing, and is making me sing two hard songs tonight. So I picked two that will make her cry. Suck on that bitchhh <3
bahahha.

Hmm. Life. is. so. freaking weird.
I'm glad I've got something so awesome to look forward too, just sayin'

but yeah. Just felt like blabbing a bit. I have to run to the store, then head out, but I have a heart felt post coming later on. Like. legit, soo many things running through my mind right now its disgusting,. LOL

lovelovelovee <3

Comments :]

I love them.
I reply to them :]
so you know, dont be a creeeper and just read. you could comment too.

HAPPPY NEVADA DAYYY!!

--oh, and happy halloween too <3

my sister

has got to be the most ADORABLE thing in the world.
just children in general are adorable

but my sister, she really takes the cake. And if you ever want to argue that, we can go rounds. because I adore that little munchkin, even if she is a pain in my butt sometimes.
She's just so sassy, and so fun to talk to sometimes. LOL.
I know, you could think I'm lame for hanging out with an 8 year old, but I can guarantee you would want to hang out with her too. When I take her to stuff at school she has so much fun, it's adorable. LOL. And when we go to the movies, or when she tries really hard to stay up late with sissy. She's just too cute for words.

I think she's recently decided that she loves me a bunch too, because now everytime I come home she drops whatever she's doing and tackles me. Its freaking amazing. Love that kid :]

I woke up in a good mood today, and im planning on keeping it that way. Weeeeee <3

sooo

had a good talk with my mom yesterday.
turns out she was having a bad week last week, so our we both apologized.
we're good for now, but im still on the lookout for a job because i still wanna move out ;]

my halloween is going to suck
but whatever.
you know whats going to be amazing? my birthday. wanna know why? because I'll be in Pittsburgh. Which will be awesometastic :D hahaa.

i can't waiiiittttttt. And the fact that I have something to look forward to is making getting through all of this rough stuff a whole ton easier :]

torn

just torn. I can't even articulate my thoughts they are so freaking jumbled. Bleh.

I dont really feeel like writing anything new

So I am going to revisit something, that will hopefully make me get in the right frame of mind to fix this shit with my mom.
I love her, I really do, and after reading Bella's comment(thanksboo!) I realized its probably not all her, and I need to see both sides
So, I'm going to do my best to fix my side, and hopefully she will soon follow.
And in order for me to fix my side, I'm going to go back to a time where I truly appreciated her,
This was a paper I wrote about 10 months ago.

Broken Wounds

I could not pinpoint the exact day it was all fixed. I could not tell you the event that made it all okay. I probably can not even say that it is all fixed, even now. What I can tell you is that it is better. I can honestly say that it has improved tremendously. I would like to take you on a journey that I call, "my mom's sobriety."

In order for you to understand her sobriety, you have to understand what I call, "the before life." My mom worked nights at her job, so she was not home that often, but when she was, we were either fighting, or making up from the fight we had the day before. We were both really good at putting the blame for the arguments on each other, whether it was because of my laziness, or because of her attitude while she was high. Our fights always seemed to be over the most pointless things too. The fight would start off with something simple, such as me not doing the dishes, but because of my pent up anger they would escalate to screaming matches that I am sure had the neighbors wondering what had happened. Our fights were more frequent while she was coming down from a drug binge, and those would be the days I would cry my eyes out while counting down the days until college started.

I had thoughts of moving in with my aunt a few times, but I could never leave my six year old sister behind with my mom. I did not trust her enough to take care of her own daughter. I could not leave my dad behind to deal with her either, so I just had to be strong and go through the motions of pretending to be a happy little family. I did my best to make the most of my senior year of high school. I washed dishes at the Italian festival to go to homecoming. I went out with my friends as much as possible, to movies or to the park, and just stayed out of the house and stayed away from her as much as I could. Life at home kept getting worse, but I stayed collected on the outside, thinking forward to the day when I could escape.

February 19, 2008, was a turning point. No, it was not the day when it all changed, but it was the day that the first step to the road to recovery was made. Not everything clicked on this day, but this was the day my mom admitted she had a problem. I remember coming home from school that day, still mad at her from what had happened the day before. We had gone out to dinner for her birthday the night before, and she was upset because we hadn't gotten her any presents. She walked out on dinner, and walked around at the outdoor mall, while my dad called off the birthday song, and paid the bill. Dad was upset because her birthday was ruined, and I was mad that she couldn't seem to spend more then an hour with her own family without being high. When I walked through the front door, on my way to the bathroom I saw my parents sitting on their bed, both of them crying. My first thought was, "Oh great, another fight, and just another sob story that dad was going to believe." The scene in front of me instantly flared my anger, and I silently repeated, just a few more months until I moved out to myself.

Figuring Mom was going to drag me into their fight somehow, I went in my room to fold my laundry that had been sitting around for a few days. If I was going to get into trouble, I might as well soften the blow. It was while I was folding my laundry that she came into my room, with Dad right behind her. Her eyes were bloodshot, and I could not tell if that was because she was high, or if they were genuine tears coming out of her eyes. I looked past her, because I was used to not looking her in the face when she was talking, and my eyes fell upon my dads face. His eyes were lined with crimson, and that was a warning signal for me. Thoughts started racing through my head at speeds of over one hundred miles an hour. I went from thoughts of my parents getting a divorce, to getting grounded again and being grounded on my eighteenth birthday that was coming up.

Before my mom could even utter a word I turned around and started folding my laundry again. She was sobbing, and close to hyperventilation, then she said, "Tasha I need to tell you something. I'm addicted to crystal meth."

"Well, duh, I could have told you that," I thought to myself instantly.

"And, I need help."

"Ding ding ding, we have a winner."

"So I'm going to rehab." As soon as those words spilled out of her mouth, my mind came to a screeching halt, and I raced over to my mom. I do not remember if I ran or walked, but all I know is that within moments I was holding her in my arms. She looked like a weak bird that had fallen out of her nest. I just hoped that rehab would teach her how to fly.

Mom spent a few days in rehab, and many people would see that as the turning point in our relationship, but that was only to outside viewers. Of course, we talked about silly things, like boys and how school was going, and the future. The tension in the house had died down, but our relationship was still not better. We were only a few steps into the road to recovery, and I lived in fear that my mom would suddenly decide to make a U-turn. Because of this fear, I tried my hardest to not open up to her. She would always talk about the walls that she would have to learn to break down in order to strengthen herself in the long run. Little did either of my parents know, I had built up walls of my own.

My mom went to her daily meetings, and did everything she was supposed to do in order to stay sober. She was building up trust in herself and mending old relationships and friendships that had been tattered while she was still abusing. We both worked hard at getting along, although I know she worked harder. My initial thought on the entire situation was, the last seven years of damage could not, and would not be fixed in six months. In six months I would be out of her house, and I would not have to worry about mending our broken relationship. I kept my distance, praising her when she deserved it, but I was always cautious, because at any moment she could run into an old friend and take that U-turn in the road.

Eventually, I started going to the meetings with my mom. I listened to what the other people had to say about their recovery, and I learned that there were many similarities in our lives as there were in theirs. One day, when I was at a meeting, I heard my mom speak. She started sharing about how grateful she was that her family was her main support system in her recovery. I was happy that I could help my mom in the way that she needed, and it was after listening to her that one time that I started to trust her again. I learned that my mom was a strong person, and when she sets her mind on something, she can do whatever she wants to.

Right now, she wants to be sober, and I can finally believe her when she says that. My mom has many friends that look up to her because what she has accomplished in just a few short months takes many others years to learn. She has managed to find the stability she needs to stay sober, and she has stabilized many relationships that had been damaged in "The before life." I am extremely happy that I finally have that trust in my mom that I always wanted to have. I have the relationship with her that so many daughters yearn for. It took me a while, but I finally grabbed my moms hand and skipped along with her, down her road to recovery.

I want to skip with my Mommy again. I miss her. Soo much. <3