Exactly where you need to be.

Isn't it funny how I change churches because I feel like this new church can help me find a mission to go on. I really feel like I'm being called to the field, so switching churches was so that I could find someone to help me get there, because I don't know how to do it on my own. And literally TWO DAYS after I switch, I find out about a meeting for a trip to Africa. AFRICA!! THIS SUMMER!! How epic would that be? I mean, seriously. TWO DAYS. Two freaking days, and I have a meeting lined up. I'm not saying THIS is going to be the trip that God has called me to, but if anything this meeting is a little 'thank you' from God for listening to what he has to say. For finally standing with two feet in, and for finally taking that leap of faith into His arms. I went into all of this change blindly, and my eyes are opening wider as I see the fruits of His labor. He is being revealed to me from ALL sides, and it is just amazing.

I'm so excited for this meeting. I don't even know how to explain it. But I can't waitt!! :]

Fun Facts.

I think I kind of discovered what I needed to discover with my funfacts. I still have blogs unwritten, and drafts, but I'm deleting them all, because they were all things that I needed to get out in that moment in time, but they don't mean much anymore. A lot of the fun facts I came up with, I thought of while I was at work. And with my promotion, I don't have the idle time I had as an associate. There is always something I need to be working on, or thinking of, so I don't have time to dwell on all of the things that I think are wrong with me. Because, face it. We all have stuff that is wrong with us, and we all have things that we want to change, and I thought the blogs were going to help me with that. I had a plan in mind with them when I first started. I was suppossed to point out a flaw and make a goal with how to fix it. I only did that with the second one. And I fixed it. I just did a MAJOR overhaul of a lot of stuff in my room, and it feels good to get rid of so much stuff. My room is still trashed, but at least there isn't so much TRASH.

^^haha, I thought that was clever.

But anyways. I had way too much caffiene tonight, so I can't really sleep. And I might just be a little bit nervous about tomorrow. I don't know why. I think it is because I'm doing this without Bre. And I think that is the funniest part, is becasue part of this change is to have a little bit of separation in our lives. I love her, but we were kind of becoming the same person. We both need some time to change and to blossom. She has helped change me so much. And I've helped her. I loved our talk we had a few weeks ago about the changes that we have gone through together.

I think I may have gotten myself out of my funk, without medicating myself. We'll see how long this lasts though. I might just be on a weird high of change. Who knows. I'm so excited for all of the fun things that are going to happen in the future. I just can't wait to see how it all turns out.

Blondes have more fun

So much has changed this year. And it has only been a month. I don't know if I can quite articulate the thought process that has been going through my head lately. I just know that only one person on this earth understands what is exactly going through my head at this point. Because I think she fully grasps the weight of everything that has happened, and she understands, and even though it may feel like I'm abandoning her, she is still happy for me. I've been truly blessed with her friendship, and her understanding.

So, I'm going to try and write this out, and explain it all in the best way I can so that people can understand my thought process and the weight of my decisions, and the story behind them.

The first thing that changed this year was my hair color. I feel like that initial change kind of sparked it all. I don't know why, I just feel like it did. I posted on facebook about change and then said that I liked change, but then I slowly started to realize that my fear of change was kind of holding me back.

So I officially made a decision to change churches. I don't know how many people realize how bug of a change that is for me. I'm a creature of habit, I think to a sense everyone is, but I like routine. I get bored with routines, but I like having a routine in my life. Church kind of became that routine. I went, I listened, and I went home. I went, I taught and I went to work. Just, routine. Nothing thought provoking, just a part of the routine. But my bible study, oh man my bible study sparked my mind. In many ways. I joke that the boys draw me in, but the lessons just keep my coming back. I've taken something from every lesson, something that I need to think about, and something that I need to act on. It's not routine, its ever changing, and even as a creature of habit, I need that change.

One lesson was to act on God's will RIGHT NOW. Not to wait until the timing was right, but to act right now. I pushed that to the back of my head because I had my timing set. I was going to leave after the back to school retreat.That way I could finish my commitment. And I had time. More time to wait I guess. But, God had a different plan for me. He said, right now. Not next week, not next month, but right now.

Leaving my old church hurts. Like, a kick in the stomach and a slap across the face. I was in physical pain saying my good byes last Wednesday. I did it with the kids with a smile, because that is the kind of reaction they deserve. That they need. They need to think and know that I am okay. That this is a good thing, but surrounded by the people who have lifted me up and prayed for me and hugged me when I was having a bad day, I lost it. It hurts so much to leave these people behind. These people that love me despite my flaws, these people that I have been with through their pain. These people that cheered my on as I got baptized, and gave me words of encouragement when I started teaching, and praises when they approved of how I taught and the response the children gave me. And leaving the kids. Oh my goodness, the kids. I'm going to die on the inside when I leave the munchkins. No joke. My going away party with my second graders is going to be ridiculous. And I'm going to cherish every last moment of it, because no matter how painful it may be, this is good.

So the catalyst that brought this change on. I've always had one thing holding me back from management. My kids. My second graders that I just can't say good bye too. And church. But, my new church has Saturday night service. So on those Sundays that I am going to have to work, I will have Saturday night to look forward to. But anyways, I've always been so adament about not giving up my Sunday's for a better job. But I'm in desperate need of a new job. Desperate need of more money. I'm just not making enough right now. Its hard.


.... I stopped here, and I can't seem to pick up where I left off. Whatever. Lol

asdfkj;lk

This changing churches thing is killing me. I wish I had made a decision so much later in the game. Like. July. July would have been a GREAT time to make the decision. aslkdjfkl. It hurts my heart to know that I'm leaving my munchkins behind. All of my favorite little ones that I adore, and that have helped me grow so much. And the parents of my favorite munchkins. Its going to seriously SUCK not seeing them twice a week. I've grown to depend on these ladies, but I know that my relationship with God has GOT to overcome any earthly relationship I might have, and if God is pulling my heart somewhere else, then I need to follow Him. His path is the right one, and I know that the enemy is the one making this so difficult, but I have to keep this decision of mine to myself (well mostly to myself anyways) for another eight months. EIGHT FREAKING MONTHS. I'm slowly telling people, but I don't want it to be a huge deal. But I don't just want to drop off the face of the earth either. Every Sunday morning I wake up and think, this is one Sunday closer to being at Shadow Hills. I'm so scared, so nervous. I... I just.. I know I've made the right decision for me. For my family. But.. ahhhhh. Its so hard :(

I'm talking in circles. If only I could write how many circles my mind is going it. Ugh.

You know what really irritates me?

The fact that I'm deeper into this freaking depression then I've ever been and the only thing you can tell me is that you want me to go clean my room. You think if I knew how to fix myself, I would? I don't know whats wrong with me okay, and I'm sorry I'm not the prodigal daughter that you want me to be, but youknow what? You've failed me before, and I'm sick and tired of trying to live my life to please you. I need to live my life for me, and I need to be who I want to be and you aren't doing anything to help me get there. I need a way out, and I need to get out right now. I'm sick of the chaos in my head and in my heart, and sick of lying, I'm sick of pretending that everything is okay. I can't fix me around you, but I can't get out of this bull shit long enough to find an actual way to get out of here.

I hate

that everytime I get some sort of bump on my body, i get paranoid.

I hate having to slather myself with sunscreen every fucking day

I hate forgetting that sunscreen, and then feeling paranoid all day.

I hate being pale.

I hate when people ask me about the scar, because they usually ask me if its a hickey, and I have to explain to them that i had skin cancer.

I hate being afraid that it will more then likely come back, and I will have to live in fear that it isn't the dangerous form.

I hate the scar on my neck. its gross.

not too happy about this right now. blah

Amazing love

I posted this on FB, but I figured I should post it here too ;]

Two years ago, just around this time (I don't know exact dates, but it was the third week of VBS, so I'm just going to say two years ago today :p)

Anyways, two years ago, I was walking back from the pool with my family after a Sunday service that i grudgingly went to, and I looked up in the sky and asked for a sign. God, if you are there could you do something to prove it? Because I'm having a tough time believing it right now Nothing happened so my stubborn teenager self walked into the house scoffing. This is a load of bologna was the top thought in my head.

Come Wednesday Dad had somehow convinced me to go to VBS. I reaaally didn't want to go. No one talked to me, I always sat alone and I just hated life every time I was there. But I went, and I sat... And I actually listened. And Ray told me that I was a sinner. And that without Jesus I would not go to heaven. And I took that as my sign. That night I went home and sat on the couch and I showed my parents that piece of paper, and broke down in tears. Because I was so ashamed that I turned my head from God for so long, and then the tears turned to tears of joy, because I felt loved. And, someone had actually talked to me that night. <3

Two years flash by, and here we are to today. I've got my VBS lesson book chilling next to me, a pair of scissors sitting amongst a pile of paper clippings and a smile on my face. Because tonight our munchkins are learning the ABC's, and I pray with my whole heart that at least one child will leave tonight feeling the love that I felt two years ago. I pray that someone will walk out with a smile on their face and can spend the next two years of their lives getting to know their Savior, and counting the blessings that God has bestowed upon us.

Everyday I look up at that piece of paper I received two years ago and smile. The paper has permanent fold and dirt marks on it, from the two months I carried it in my purse as a reminder to myself, it has blue marks on the corners left over from the putty I used to hang it in my dorm room, and a few holes right at the top where I've shoved a push pin through so it can hang on my wall. Today, I thank God for my salvation, and that little piece of paper reminds me what a tremendous love my Father has for me. <3