Joy

Today I woke up excited for bible study. It's been a while since I have been excited. I'm one of those people who absorb what others are feeling and I let other peoples opinions feed into mine. Not that my opinions are my own, but I just feel what others feel and sometimes that can get in the way.

And lately I've really been letting others opinions sway mine, and that is not okay. I am my own person, and it is perfectly okay to NOT agree with the masses

So I made that decision tonight, because I need to be myself and to fix a few things in myself in order to enjoy the Joy that God so freely gives to me.

And I started working on them. I had a few awesome conversations tonight. I fessed up to some mistakes I had been making, and I put my heart in check. Because sometimes it can be in the wrong place, but I'm working on putting it back in check.

I'm choosing Joy :]

the sandbox

I had a friend tell me the other day that she felt like she was so much older then me. And I kind of wanted to laugh. I mean, technically she is older, but not by much at all. But life wise. Yeah definitely not older. I mean she has some responsibilities and what not and she's had her fair share or tragedy in her life and these things make you grow up. But honestly? I'm 21, second in command at my job (she'd be management but she doesn't have the balls to go for it) I live on my own, and I pay for all of my bills. Are you really going to try and call me a child right now? Honestly.

I haven't talked to her since. I'm too immature to hang out with her anyways ;)

#2

I'm not happy with you at the moment. And I really don't like being upset with one of the most happiest people on the planet. It's kind of ridiculous.

I was so supportive of your endeavors, but it really looks like it has turned and bitten me in the ass. I told you it was okay to live, as long as you had your priorities straight. And I honestly believe that they are wrong. They are so horribly messed up at the moment, and I just don't know how to get you back on track.

That was my job, was to keep you on track. And part of the reason why I am so upset is because I failed at the job you gave me. That a lot of people knew that I had. You counted on me, and I failed you.

So basically we both kind of suck right now.

I need you. There have been so many times where I've needed you, and it just doesn't seem like you are always there. I've made it through without you, but I thought the point of all of this was that I didn't have to go through it without you.

You know I SERIOUSLY rethought moving out because of that thing. Like, completely and honestly reconsidered. And I almost let you get away with the first thing that has made me completely happy in months. Because I'm really good at pretending to be happy, but I'm really not as happy as it seems.

I almost want to tear up our list. It really doesn't matter. We don't go through it when we see each other anyways. Because we rarely see each other, so we spend our time catching up

Speaking of seeing each other. The real reason I'm upset. Way to ignore my texts. I mean, honestly. A simple no would have sufficed. I just wanted to know times. You didn't have to offer to go if you didn't really want to. And then to not even answer when I try to confirm. Seriously? Who does that. Until we talk about that, we really aren't going to be okay. Because that makes me really mad.

I still love you. With all of my heart. And I still firmly believe that God put us together for a reason. We just need to find that reason again.

#1

I love you. So very much. I love a lot of people, but you just seriously have a special place in my heart. I'm so grateful for the time that we get to spend together, when we actually get a chance to.

We've done some fun things together. Some really amazing work for Jesus. And he puts us together to get work done, and I just know that we've got more work ahead of us. Who knows what it's going to be, but its going to be amazing.

What you told me recently breaks my heart. Everything you've been going through literally breaks my heart, but the result of the demons in your life that got the best of you just tears my heart in two. You know why I feel the way I feel about your situation, and it just tears me up that you slipped a little bit. But I'm praying for you, and I know that you don't have to slip again. If you really want to stay on track you can. I'm writing you another letter, and I'm going to write you one every month just so that you know that I'm praying for you.

I'm sorry you feel abandoned, but I feel like you kind of put yourself there. You left. You wanted out. And then you are upset that the people you were so ready to leave behind let you go. It makes me sad that you didn't realize how much you needed them until they were gone. And it also makes me sad that they have yet to realize that they need you. But I promise you I'm not leaving. I'm here, and I'm staying and even if you feel like there's no where to turn, you've got me. I promise

I love you <3

Letters

I'm going to start writing letters. Letters to people who have impacted me in some way shape or form. I can almost promise the first few letters will be about people I'm kind of frustrated with. It will move on after that though.

These letters will be delivered. Maybe not at the time I post them, maybe not for a few weeks after, but they will be delivered. Because I don't believe that housing your frustrations is healthy. It just builds up anger and makes the resentments grow, but with some of my frustrations i need to be at a place where I can speak my frustrations with love. I'll get there, I'm just not quite there yet.

So have fun reading. This should be an interesting journey inside of my head. Hahaha.

Happiness.

So for the past week or so, I've been sleeping on the floor because I just haven't been home at the right hours to get my bed upstairs and put together. And today is day 7 of 9 days in a row that I'm working. And we've been doing a LOT of crap at work lately so it's draining. And then the 4 hour travel time is a little much sometimes. I was just really excited to get home and get to bed. I mean.. to floor.

So I walk in after babysitting and say hi and then go upstairs and my bed is put together. Like, completely together. All of the pieces put upstairs and the sheets put on and everything. I'm so grateful for these girls. (and Brandon, who was the muscles behind the operation. haha)

It's really the small things in life that mean the most, and these girls taking a few minutes out of their day to make me more comfortable seriously means the world. I'm so glad I'm here. No matter what happens... this time period right here is going to be a fun one, and I'm insanely excited for it :D

Disappointment

‎"Maybe 99 out of 100 people will disappoint you...I don't know I think you find the magic of the world in the marginal error"

This quote has been floating around a lot lately. I've literally seen it as three facebook status's today alone. And I definitely see the truth in this. I mean, at one point or another EVERYONE is going to disappoint you.

But I mean, look at it from the other side. Everyone that you come into contact with, all of your friends, your classmates, your roommates. Every single one of them at one point or another will disappoint you. But, if we go by this little quote, that means everyone YOU come in contact with, you will disappoint as well.

I bet you didn't think about that when you looked at that quote and said hey, that applies to my life. Because people disappoint you, but you always have the capability of disappointing them as well.

But as I think about that more and more, I sit and smile because I serve an amazingly awesome and all powerful God who will never disappoint me. He is that 1% marginal error. And that just seriously makes me smile. Because everyone stumbles, and everyone falls, and I'm going to screw up. It's promised. But God never fails. God never screws up. And He never disappoints. And if I have to deal with disappointing everyone, and everyone disappointing me, well then I can handle that.