I fucking hate that word, more then anything, and the damn piece of shit tried to ruin my birthday.
See, the thing is while I was driving to Cali, the dumb doctor called and told me the stupid thing they took off of my neck was skin cancer. JOY. Just what you want to hear right. Yeah, don't flip out too much, its a Basil Cell cancer or whatever, so that means it doesn't spread. WOO. (that woo was kind of sarcastic, NGL)
But what it does mean, is that I have to go back to the doctors office and they have to scrape more skin away and get the rest of the cancer off of my skin. I keep repeating cancer, because it is like.. Yelling in my head right now. its like oh hey tasha CANCERRRRRR. What now bitch?
Yeah, my cancer is sarcastic too.
So, I know I don't need to freak, but I am freaking out hard core. No lie, like, right now I am crying. Because I am scared. And I don't know what to do, and I don't know what this means, and I... I just don't know.
And I don't want to talk to my parents about it because them worrying about my skin cancer is the last thing they need. Not to mention, this surgery is probably going to be really expensive, because insurance isn't all that amazing, well it is, bu
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Fun Fact #3
I have anywhere but here syndrome (and that anywhere is california)
The day after I leave California is always the hardest. And, it just keeps getting harder. I just sometimes feel like I have nothing to look forward to when I come back to Vegas. Yes, I have my family and a few friends, but I mean.. The majority of the people I actually enjoy talking to are online, and I can take my computer with me wherever I go, so it isn't like I am going to miss them. They come with me :]
And my parents and my sister, I would miss them a whole bunch, and church, I would miss that too, but I feel like Vegas is just this groove in the middle of the table, and I am the marble that keeps rolling back towards the groove and getting stuck. There is no where to go here. There is nothing I want to do. I have no motivation to be a better person here. There is nothing inspiring. It is just blah. I haven't been as happy as I was just sitting on the beach then I have been in a VERY long time.
Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to be all emo and be like, WAHH my life sucks, because it doesn't. My life is actually pretty amazing, but it isn't changing. It isn't evolving, it isn't getting better. It is kind of on pause right now.
Isn't college supposed to be the best part of your life? You are supposed to grow so much from it? Then why do I feel like I'm on hold right now?
I just don't want to be here anymore, and I kill myself every time I have to come back. If I could, I would spend all summer sleeping on an inflatable mattress selling homemade bracelets on Venice Beach.
Even though I would prefer being cramped in a studio apartment, working as a club promoter, but heyy, it is what it is :]
Basically, I just want to finish college and get out of here, and drive to California, and never have to leavee :D
The day after I leave California is always the hardest. And, it just keeps getting harder. I just sometimes feel like I have nothing to look forward to when I come back to Vegas. Yes, I have my family and a few friends, but I mean.. The majority of the people I actually enjoy talking to are online, and I can take my computer with me wherever I go, so it isn't like I am going to miss them. They come with me :]
And my parents and my sister, I would miss them a whole bunch, and church, I would miss that too, but I feel like Vegas is just this groove in the middle of the table, and I am the marble that keeps rolling back towards the groove and getting stuck. There is no where to go here. There is nothing I want to do. I have no motivation to be a better person here. There is nothing inspiring. It is just blah. I haven't been as happy as I was just sitting on the beach then I have been in a VERY long time.
Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to be all emo and be like, WAHH my life sucks, because it doesn't. My life is actually pretty amazing, but it isn't changing. It isn't evolving, it isn't getting better. It is kind of on pause right now.
Isn't college supposed to be the best part of your life? You are supposed to grow so much from it? Then why do I feel like I'm on hold right now?
I just don't want to be here anymore, and I kill myself every time I have to come back. If I could, I would spend all summer sleeping on an inflatable mattress selling homemade bracelets on Venice Beach.
Even though I would prefer being cramped in a studio apartment, working as a club promoter, but heyy, it is what it is :]
Basically, I just want to finish college and get out of here, and drive to California, and never have to leavee :D
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Fun Fact #2
I keep the stupidest shit.
No lie, its ridiculous the things I keep. I'm by no means a hoarder or anything. It is all sorts of organized and put into bags and boxes and what not, but I keep everything.
Like every movie stubb I've ever paid for I'm sure is is a box somewhere. I wrote a note to some guy I had a crush on in high school, and photocopied it and put it away somewhere. Stupid promo cards from RPC from last year, every name badge I've ever had. business cards left over from HC last year. pictures. tons and tons of pictures. Some stupid flier I got from San Genero. A flier from Capo's becuase thats where the guy that kissed me worked. lmfao.
The dumbest things, I swear to you. I feel like one day when I get old I'll need all this stuff to remember life, and thats why I keep it all... But I really don't need the rape whistle I got in on move in day at the dorms. lmfao. I have three.
I think I'm going to make a goal for myself, and that is to go through things, and my goal is to get rid of 25% of the random shit I have.
Good goal yes? Goodness I hope so!
No lie, its ridiculous the things I keep. I'm by no means a hoarder or anything. It is all sorts of organized and put into bags and boxes and what not, but I keep everything.
Like every movie stubb I've ever paid for I'm sure is is a box somewhere. I wrote a note to some guy I had a crush on in high school, and photocopied it and put it away somewhere. Stupid promo cards from RPC from last year, every name badge I've ever had. business cards left over from HC last year. pictures. tons and tons of pictures. Some stupid flier I got from San Genero. A flier from Capo's becuase thats where the guy that kissed me worked. lmfao.
The dumbest things, I swear to you. I feel like one day when I get old I'll need all this stuff to remember life, and thats why I keep it all... But I really don't need the rape whistle I got in on move in day at the dorms. lmfao. I have three.
I think I'm going to make a goal for myself, and that is to go through things, and my goal is to get rid of 25% of the random shit I have.
Good goal yes? Goodness I hope so!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Fun Fact #1
So I am thinking about doing little fun facts about myself, becuase I have fun little quirks, and they are all a part of a self journey I want to take.
Because, not only will these fun facts let you know something about me, but they will make me realize things about me that I may or may not need to improve on. Feel free to give your takes on my fun facts, and add your own in :]
I fall asleep on the phone a lot. ALOT. hahaha.
its kind of ridiculous. Most of the time it is with Britt. A lot of the time I am texting someone and I just fall asleep.
Sometimes I worry that it annoys people, because I'm not the type of person to say hey, I am going to bed so I will talk to you later. Normally we'll keep up conversation and then I'll turn my light off and crawl into bed and as the conversation slowly dwindles I just fall asleep. Normally when I wake up I send a sorry text message and then go on about my day.
Unless of course it is Britt. When we are on the phone it is just expected that one of us is going to fall asleep. It is most likely me. Haha. I think she has only fallen asleep on me twice. And then we've both fallen asleep at the same time twice. hahaha
We are ridiculous, we know this.
But yeah, that is fact number one. My favorite way to end the day is to spend it talking to my favorite people :]
Because, not only will these fun facts let you know something about me, but they will make me realize things about me that I may or may not need to improve on. Feel free to give your takes on my fun facts, and add your own in :]
I fall asleep on the phone a lot. ALOT. hahaha.
its kind of ridiculous. Most of the time it is with Britt. A lot of the time I am texting someone and I just fall asleep.
Sometimes I worry that it annoys people, because I'm not the type of person to say hey, I am going to bed so I will talk to you later. Normally we'll keep up conversation and then I'll turn my light off and crawl into bed and as the conversation slowly dwindles I just fall asleep. Normally when I wake up I send a sorry text message and then go on about my day.
Unless of course it is Britt. When we are on the phone it is just expected that one of us is going to fall asleep. It is most likely me. Haha. I think she has only fallen asleep on me twice. And then we've both fallen asleep at the same time twice. hahaha
We are ridiculous, we know this.
But yeah, that is fact number one. My favorite way to end the day is to spend it talking to my favorite people :]
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Not a Fan, but part of a FAMILY
I've said it time and time again, and being a Jonas fan isn't just adoring three boys who strut their stuff on the stage. Yes that is awesome, but there is so much more then that. It is about the army of fans that make up the Jonas Family.
Tonight, we mourn the loss of a sister. Yes, we are aware of the fact that MANY people have died in Chile, and yes we are aware of the fact that many Jonas fans have died before, but its not like we get a phone call with every single death.
What is happening with the world is seriously tragic right now, and to lose a sister in the midst of it makes the tragedy seem that much more intense. I never talked to you, but you will be missed Alejandra. Your family and friends will be in my prayers, and I sincerely hope you rest in peace <3
Tonight, we mourn the loss of a sister. Yes, we are aware of the fact that MANY people have died in Chile, and yes we are aware of the fact that many Jonas fans have died before, but its not like we get a phone call with every single death.
What is happening with the world is seriously tragic right now, and to lose a sister in the midst of it makes the tragedy seem that much more intense. I never talked to you, but you will be missed Alejandra. Your family and friends will be in my prayers, and I sincerely hope you rest in peace <3
Monday, March 1, 2010
blast from the past
Holy shit this was hard to read. It's been almost a year, and this still hurts
This was written right after I lost the position. :l
First I'm going to say I'm sorry to the three people that should have been notified by phone, but I just can't seem to get a hold of you three, so Annie, Pomai and Louise, sorry in advance.
Lets start with a little bit of a background, just in case some people aren't fully aware of the situation and how it has effected me emotionally.
When I started school, I joined this amazing organization called Rebel Pride Council. Shortly after I joined the Homecoming committee, and all of a sudden there were people telling me to apply for an exec position. More specifically, the homecoming position. I laughed at everyone, and told them they were crazy. That wasn't something that I thought I was ready for. I didn't have any experience in event planning, and Homecoming is kind of a big deal. I brushed them all off, but as I watched Homecoming 2008 start coming to life, my mind slowly started to change. I was planning on applying for a position, but I wasn't sure which position I wanted.
I grew closer and closer with people in RPC and started forming friendships that I never thought I would make in college. And somewhere along the way, I started wanting the Homecoming position. I can't tell you what clicked, but I'm sure that it was the persistence of Donovan and Matt. Neither one of them seemed to stop harping on me to apply for Homecoming.
So I did. Happily. Everyone that was on the committee thought that I was crazy. None of them wanted to go threw that week of stress and exhaustion again, let alone be in charge of it. But I thrived on that pressure. I had some amazing friends that came from that week, and a lot of great memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life.
Applications came in, and then it was time for interviews, and boy let me tell you I was nervous. I must have been fixing my hair for two hours before I finally decided it was straight enough, and I can't tell you how many times I fixed my outfit.
Then interviews went on, and I knew that the last interview had happened, and we had to hear something soon. I was sitting in the library glued to my email waiting to see if maybe something would pop up. Then I get a text message from Nikki saying she got Rebels After Dark. Soon after that, Krista's name popped up on my screen, and I knew it was time to find out.
She played coy, and dragged on the conversation like no other, until she finally said, "We would like to offer you the Film Series position." Mind you, that was one of my top three choices but my heart fell, and my jaw dropped. It wasn't what I wanted, but I was going to grin and bear it, until Krista decided to stop torturing me and let me know that I had actually been offered the Homecoming position.
I swear, that was in my top ten happiest moments of my life. Somewhere along the way I had decided that I wanted it, and I wanted it bad. And I got it. It's like, that one thing that you are always reaching for at the top shelf of the highest closet, and once you finally pull it out, you get all sorts of excited because you did it. That was how I felt when I learned I got the Homecoming position.
Enough background, because this is me finally cutting to the chase.
Between my meetings, and hanging out with friends, I just pushed my schoolwork to the backburner.
Yeah, I started out the year with a bang. All of my reading was done on time, I was acing tests left and right, and the papers I was cranking out were amazing. But then I let one lone grade upset everything I had done, and I fell into a pit of, well it will get done. Schoolwork was no longer a priority to me. I had friends, and I had homecoming. What else did I need?
Silly me, don't you know that when you go to college, you're actually supposed to do well in school, and that it's not nearly as easy as high school was. I didn't listen to everyone like I should have. I ignored the warning signs, and just barreled ahead with what I was doing.
But of course, there are consequences to every action. If you are an involved student at school, you know that you sign this little peice of paper saying that you won't let your GPA fall below a certain point. If you do let it fall, well then you have to give up your position.
Me thinking I was an invincible teenager chose to ignore that little piece of paper, and once again just ignored it.
I'm sure you all see where this is going by now, I messed up my grades, and didn't follow the rules on the contract I signed, so I lost my position.
Yes I'm sure some of you may think I was being dramatic when I said I'm putting my baby up for adoption, but to me that is what this feels like. The second I got the news, I was rendered speechless, and I felt my heart drop the the pit of my stomach. After it dropped, it shattered, and I'm pretty sure there are still some pieces laying on Donovan's floor.
I can think about it without sobbing, but still as I sit here and write this almost a week later, I still have tears running down my face. I made it through telling all of my.. well. THE committee (you guy's aren't mine anymore :/) without crying, which I think is a big step. So I'm getting better, and eventually with time, I will get over it. It will be just another chapter in the book of my life.
I know that this is all my fault, and I am completely owning up to my mistakes, and yes I know that things happen for a reason, so somewhere out there,, there is a reason why I am going through this right now.
The reason for the note, is simply for the convenience. It saves me from having to type the story over and over, and hopefully answers everyone's questions.
If you have any questions about whats going on, feel free to ask. I will answer everything to the best of my abilities.
As of right now, I'm not sure who will be in charge of Homecoming. It is a little bit of a toss up right now, and I want to make the best decision possible while hurting the least amount of people. And I also want to pick someone who can be as enthusiastic about this as I was. As I've said, I am giving up my baby for adoption, and I will make sure it is placed into loving arms.
I hoped I answered everyone's questions, and I'm sorry if I have disappointed anyone. I really am, but trust me, you cannot be more disappointed in me then I am in myself.
Thank you to everyone who has given me kind words, I really appreciate all of the support from the amazing people in my life.
<3
Today, I realize I had to step back from the thing that consumed my life. RPC was bad for me. As sad is it is to say today, it wasn't healthy. The stress, the drama, the parties... just not good. :l
I'm happy to be where I am right now :]
This was written right after I lost the position. :l
First I'm going to say I'm sorry to the three people that should have been notified by phone, but I just can't seem to get a hold of you three, so Annie, Pomai and Louise, sorry in advance.
Lets start with a little bit of a background, just in case some people aren't fully aware of the situation and how it has effected me emotionally.
When I started school, I joined this amazing organization called Rebel Pride Council. Shortly after I joined the Homecoming committee, and all of a sudden there were people telling me to apply for an exec position. More specifically, the homecoming position. I laughed at everyone, and told them they were crazy. That wasn't something that I thought I was ready for. I didn't have any experience in event planning, and Homecoming is kind of a big deal. I brushed them all off, but as I watched Homecoming 2008 start coming to life, my mind slowly started to change. I was planning on applying for a position, but I wasn't sure which position I wanted.
I grew closer and closer with people in RPC and started forming friendships that I never thought I would make in college. And somewhere along the way, I started wanting the Homecoming position. I can't tell you what clicked, but I'm sure that it was the persistence of Donovan and Matt. Neither one of them seemed to stop harping on me to apply for Homecoming.
So I did. Happily. Everyone that was on the committee thought that I was crazy. None of them wanted to go threw that week of stress and exhaustion again, let alone be in charge of it. But I thrived on that pressure. I had some amazing friends that came from that week, and a lot of great memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life.
Applications came in, and then it was time for interviews, and boy let me tell you I was nervous. I must have been fixing my hair for two hours before I finally decided it was straight enough, and I can't tell you how many times I fixed my outfit.
Then interviews went on, and I knew that the last interview had happened, and we had to hear something soon. I was sitting in the library glued to my email waiting to see if maybe something would pop up. Then I get a text message from Nikki saying she got Rebels After Dark. Soon after that, Krista's name popped up on my screen, and I knew it was time to find out.
She played coy, and dragged on the conversation like no other, until she finally said, "We would like to offer you the Film Series position." Mind you, that was one of my top three choices but my heart fell, and my jaw dropped. It wasn't what I wanted, but I was going to grin and bear it, until Krista decided to stop torturing me and let me know that I had actually been offered the Homecoming position.
I swear, that was in my top ten happiest moments of my life. Somewhere along the way I had decided that I wanted it, and I wanted it bad. And I got it. It's like, that one thing that you are always reaching for at the top shelf of the highest closet, and once you finally pull it out, you get all sorts of excited because you did it. That was how I felt when I learned I got the Homecoming position.
Enough background, because this is me finally cutting to the chase.
Between my meetings, and hanging out with friends, I just pushed my schoolwork to the backburner.
Yeah, I started out the year with a bang. All of my reading was done on time, I was acing tests left and right, and the papers I was cranking out were amazing. But then I let one lone grade upset everything I had done, and I fell into a pit of, well it will get done. Schoolwork was no longer a priority to me. I had friends, and I had homecoming. What else did I need?
Silly me, don't you know that when you go to college, you're actually supposed to do well in school, and that it's not nearly as easy as high school was. I didn't listen to everyone like I should have. I ignored the warning signs, and just barreled ahead with what I was doing.
But of course, there are consequences to every action. If you are an involved student at school, you know that you sign this little peice of paper saying that you won't let your GPA fall below a certain point. If you do let it fall, well then you have to give up your position.
Me thinking I was an invincible teenager chose to ignore that little piece of paper, and once again just ignored it.
I'm sure you all see where this is going by now, I messed up my grades, and didn't follow the rules on the contract I signed, so I lost my position.
Yes I'm sure some of you may think I was being dramatic when I said I'm putting my baby up for adoption, but to me that is what this feels like. The second I got the news, I was rendered speechless, and I felt my heart drop the the pit of my stomach. After it dropped, it shattered, and I'm pretty sure there are still some pieces laying on Donovan's floor.
I can think about it without sobbing, but still as I sit here and write this almost a week later, I still have tears running down my face. I made it through telling all of my.. well. THE committee (you guy's aren't mine anymore :/) without crying, which I think is a big step. So I'm getting better, and eventually with time, I will get over it. It will be just another chapter in the book of my life.
I know that this is all my fault, and I am completely owning up to my mistakes, and yes I know that things happen for a reason, so somewhere out there,, there is a reason why I am going through this right now.
The reason for the note, is simply for the convenience. It saves me from having to type the story over and over, and hopefully answers everyone's questions.
If you have any questions about whats going on, feel free to ask. I will answer everything to the best of my abilities.
As of right now, I'm not sure who will be in charge of Homecoming. It is a little bit of a toss up right now, and I want to make the best decision possible while hurting the least amount of people. And I also want to pick someone who can be as enthusiastic about this as I was. As I've said, I am giving up my baby for adoption, and I will make sure it is placed into loving arms.
I hoped I answered everyone's questions, and I'm sorry if I have disappointed anyone. I really am, but trust me, you cannot be more disappointed in me then I am in myself.
Thank you to everyone who has given me kind words, I really appreciate all of the support from the amazing people in my life.
<3
Today, I realize I had to step back from the thing that consumed my life. RPC was bad for me. As sad is it is to say today, it wasn't healthy. The stress, the drama, the parties... just not good. :l
I'm happy to be where I am right now :]
I forgot to post this hereee :D
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Glny4jSciVI&feature=player_embedded#
This song is beautiful, I know nothing will top the original, but it is amazing none the less. It is a true representation of music today, with the pop, R&B, Rap, hip Hop, classic rock. To get that many celebs in one room at one point in time is truley a feat that is usualy only conquered by awards show.
I'm legit so sick of hearing people say why are we focusing so much on Haiti, when we have plenty of people who need help in our own backyard.
Last time I checked we were all a part of this earth, and we are all God's children.
"God shows no acts of favoritism"(Acts 10:34) so why should we?
Whether it is someone who is living in Haiti or America or Uganda or freaking England. If a natural disaster occurs, we should band together as a WORLD and help out.
Maybe instead of shaking your head at the people who are only helping for the big things, you shoudl applaud them. After all, when was the last time you gave a homeless man a cheese burger? How about helping out at a food bank? Donating to something other then cancer research or heart disease? There are problems everywhere, and there is no reason to not help because its not in America.
This song is beautiful, I know nothing will top the original, but it is amazing none the less. It is a true representation of music today, with the pop, R&B, Rap, hip Hop, classic rock. To get that many celebs in one room at one point in time is truley a feat that is usualy only conquered by awards show.
I'm legit so sick of hearing people say why are we focusing so much on Haiti, when we have plenty of people who need help in our own backyard.
Last time I checked we were all a part of this earth, and we are all God's children.
"God shows no acts of favoritism"(Acts 10:34) so why should we?
Whether it is someone who is living in Haiti or America or Uganda or freaking England. If a natural disaster occurs, we should band together as a WORLD and help out.
Maybe instead of shaking your head at the people who are only helping for the big things, you shoudl applaud them. After all, when was the last time you gave a homeless man a cheese burger? How about helping out at a food bank? Donating to something other then cancer research or heart disease? There are problems everywhere, and there is no reason to not help because its not in America.
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