blast from the past

Holy shit this was hard to read. It's been almost a year, and this still hurts


This was written right after I lost the position. :l
First I'm going to say I'm sorry to the three people that should have been notified by phone, but I just can't seem to get a hold of you three, so Annie, Pomai and Louise, sorry in advance.

Lets start with a little bit of a background, just in case some people aren't fully aware of the situation and how it has effected me emotionally.

When I started school, I joined this amazing organization called Rebel Pride Council. Shortly after I joined the Homecoming committee, and all of a sudden there were people telling me to apply for an exec position. More specifically, the homecoming position. I laughed at everyone, and told them they were crazy. That wasn't something that I thought I was ready for. I didn't have any experience in event planning, and Homecoming is kind of a big deal. I brushed them all off, but as I watched Homecoming 2008 start coming to life, my mind slowly started to change. I was planning on applying for a position, but I wasn't sure which position I wanted.

I grew closer and closer with people in RPC and started forming friendships that I never thought I would make in college. And somewhere along the way, I started wanting the Homecoming position. I can't tell you what clicked, but I'm sure that it was the persistence of Donovan and Matt. Neither one of them seemed to stop harping on me to apply for Homecoming.

So I did. Happily. Everyone that was on the committee thought that I was crazy. None of them wanted to go threw that week of stress and exhaustion again, let alone be in charge of it. But I thrived on that pressure. I had some amazing friends that came from that week, and a lot of great memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

Applications came in, and then it was time for interviews, and boy let me tell you I was nervous. I must have been fixing my hair for two hours before I finally decided it was straight enough, and I can't tell you how many times I fixed my outfit.

Then interviews went on, and I knew that the last interview had happened, and we had to hear something soon. I was sitting in the library glued to my email waiting to see if maybe something would pop up. Then I get a text message from Nikki saying she got Rebels After Dark. Soon after that, Krista's name popped up on my screen, and I knew it was time to find out.

She played coy, and dragged on the conversation like no other, until she finally said, "We would like to offer you the Film Series position." Mind you, that was one of my top three choices but my heart fell, and my jaw dropped. It wasn't what I wanted, but I was going to grin and bear it, until Krista decided to stop torturing me and let me know that I had actually been offered the Homecoming position.

I swear, that was in my top ten happiest moments of my life. Somewhere along the way I had decided that I wanted it, and I wanted it bad. And I got it. It's like, that one thing that you are always reaching for at the top shelf of the highest closet, and once you finally pull it out, you get all sorts of excited because you did it. That was how I felt when I learned I got the Homecoming position.

Enough background, because this is me finally cutting to the chase.

Between my meetings, and hanging out with friends, I just pushed my schoolwork to the backburner.
Yeah, I started out the year with a bang. All of my reading was done on time, I was acing tests left and right, and the papers I was cranking out were amazing. But then I let one lone grade upset everything I had done, and I fell into a pit of, well it will get done. Schoolwork was no longer a priority to me. I had friends, and I had homecoming. What else did I need?

Silly me, don't you know that when you go to college, you're actually supposed to do well in school, and that it's not nearly as easy as high school was. I didn't listen to everyone like I should have. I ignored the warning signs, and just barreled ahead with what I was doing.

But of course, there are consequences to every action. If you are an involved student at school, you know that you sign this little peice of paper saying that you won't let your GPA fall below a certain point. If you do let it fall, well then you have to give up your position.

Me thinking I was an invincible teenager chose to ignore that little piece of paper, and once again just ignored it.

I'm sure you all see where this is going by now, I messed up my grades, and didn't follow the rules on the contract I signed, so I lost my position.

Yes I'm sure some of you may think I was being dramatic when I said I'm putting my baby up for adoption, but to me that is what this feels like. The second I got the news, I was rendered speechless, and I felt my heart drop the the pit of my stomach. After it dropped, it shattered, and I'm pretty sure there are still some pieces laying on Donovan's floor.

I can think about it without sobbing, but still as I sit here and write this almost a week later, I still have tears running down my face. I made it through telling all of my.. well. THE committee (you guy's aren't mine anymore :/) without crying, which I think is a big step. So I'm getting better, and eventually with time, I will get over it. It will be just another chapter in the book of my life.

I know that this is all my fault, and I am completely owning up to my mistakes, and yes I know that things happen for a reason, so somewhere out there,, there is a reason why I am going through this right now.

The reason for the note, is simply for the convenience. It saves me from having to type the story over and over, and hopefully answers everyone's questions.

If you have any questions about whats going on, feel free to ask. I will answer everything to the best of my abilities.

As of right now, I'm not sure who will be in charge of Homecoming. It is a little bit of a toss up right now, and I want to make the best decision possible while hurting the least amount of people. And I also want to pick someone who can be as enthusiastic about this as I was. As I've said, I am giving up my baby for adoption, and I will make sure it is placed into loving arms.

I hoped I answered everyone's questions, and I'm sorry if I have disappointed anyone. I really am, but trust me, you cannot be more disappointed in me then I am in myself.
Thank you to everyone who has given me kind words, I really appreciate all of the support from the amazing people in my life.

<3

Today, I realize I had to step back from the thing that consumed my life. RPC was bad for me. As sad is it is to say today, it wasn't healthy. The stress, the drama, the parties... just not good. :l
I'm happy to be where I am right now :]