blast from the past

Holy shit this was hard to read. It's been almost a year, and this still hurts


This was written right after I lost the position. :l
First I'm going to say I'm sorry to the three people that should have been notified by phone, but I just can't seem to get a hold of you three, so Annie, Pomai and Louise, sorry in advance.

Lets start with a little bit of a background, just in case some people aren't fully aware of the situation and how it has effected me emotionally.

When I started school, I joined this amazing organization called Rebel Pride Council. Shortly after I joined the Homecoming committee, and all of a sudden there were people telling me to apply for an exec position. More specifically, the homecoming position. I laughed at everyone, and told them they were crazy. That wasn't something that I thought I was ready for. I didn't have any experience in event planning, and Homecoming is kind of a big deal. I brushed them all off, but as I watched Homecoming 2008 start coming to life, my mind slowly started to change. I was planning on applying for a position, but I wasn't sure which position I wanted.

I grew closer and closer with people in RPC and started forming friendships that I never thought I would make in college. And somewhere along the way, I started wanting the Homecoming position. I can't tell you what clicked, but I'm sure that it was the persistence of Donovan and Matt. Neither one of them seemed to stop harping on me to apply for Homecoming.

So I did. Happily. Everyone that was on the committee thought that I was crazy. None of them wanted to go threw that week of stress and exhaustion again, let alone be in charge of it. But I thrived on that pressure. I had some amazing friends that came from that week, and a lot of great memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

Applications came in, and then it was time for interviews, and boy let me tell you I was nervous. I must have been fixing my hair for two hours before I finally decided it was straight enough, and I can't tell you how many times I fixed my outfit.

Then interviews went on, and I knew that the last interview had happened, and we had to hear something soon. I was sitting in the library glued to my email waiting to see if maybe something would pop up. Then I get a text message from Nikki saying she got Rebels After Dark. Soon after that, Krista's name popped up on my screen, and I knew it was time to find out.

She played coy, and dragged on the conversation like no other, until she finally said, "We would like to offer you the Film Series position." Mind you, that was one of my top three choices but my heart fell, and my jaw dropped. It wasn't what I wanted, but I was going to grin and bear it, until Krista decided to stop torturing me and let me know that I had actually been offered the Homecoming position.

I swear, that was in my top ten happiest moments of my life. Somewhere along the way I had decided that I wanted it, and I wanted it bad. And I got it. It's like, that one thing that you are always reaching for at the top shelf of the highest closet, and once you finally pull it out, you get all sorts of excited because you did it. That was how I felt when I learned I got the Homecoming position.

Enough background, because this is me finally cutting to the chase.

Between my meetings, and hanging out with friends, I just pushed my schoolwork to the backburner.
Yeah, I started out the year with a bang. All of my reading was done on time, I was acing tests left and right, and the papers I was cranking out were amazing. But then I let one lone grade upset everything I had done, and I fell into a pit of, well it will get done. Schoolwork was no longer a priority to me. I had friends, and I had homecoming. What else did I need?

Silly me, don't you know that when you go to college, you're actually supposed to do well in school, and that it's not nearly as easy as high school was. I didn't listen to everyone like I should have. I ignored the warning signs, and just barreled ahead with what I was doing.

But of course, there are consequences to every action. If you are an involved student at school, you know that you sign this little peice of paper saying that you won't let your GPA fall below a certain point. If you do let it fall, well then you have to give up your position.

Me thinking I was an invincible teenager chose to ignore that little piece of paper, and once again just ignored it.

I'm sure you all see where this is going by now, I messed up my grades, and didn't follow the rules on the contract I signed, so I lost my position.

Yes I'm sure some of you may think I was being dramatic when I said I'm putting my baby up for adoption, but to me that is what this feels like. The second I got the news, I was rendered speechless, and I felt my heart drop the the pit of my stomach. After it dropped, it shattered, and I'm pretty sure there are still some pieces laying on Donovan's floor.

I can think about it without sobbing, but still as I sit here and write this almost a week later, I still have tears running down my face. I made it through telling all of my.. well. THE committee (you guy's aren't mine anymore :/) without crying, which I think is a big step. So I'm getting better, and eventually with time, I will get over it. It will be just another chapter in the book of my life.

I know that this is all my fault, and I am completely owning up to my mistakes, and yes I know that things happen for a reason, so somewhere out there,, there is a reason why I am going through this right now.

The reason for the note, is simply for the convenience. It saves me from having to type the story over and over, and hopefully answers everyone's questions.

If you have any questions about whats going on, feel free to ask. I will answer everything to the best of my abilities.

As of right now, I'm not sure who will be in charge of Homecoming. It is a little bit of a toss up right now, and I want to make the best decision possible while hurting the least amount of people. And I also want to pick someone who can be as enthusiastic about this as I was. As I've said, I am giving up my baby for adoption, and I will make sure it is placed into loving arms.

I hoped I answered everyone's questions, and I'm sorry if I have disappointed anyone. I really am, but trust me, you cannot be more disappointed in me then I am in myself.
Thank you to everyone who has given me kind words, I really appreciate all of the support from the amazing people in my life.

<3

Today, I realize I had to step back from the thing that consumed my life. RPC was bad for me. As sad is it is to say today, it wasn't healthy. The stress, the drama, the parties... just not good. :l
I'm happy to be where I am right now :]

I forgot to post this hereee :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Glny4jSciVI&feature=player_embedded#

This song is beautiful, I know nothing will top the original, but it is amazing none the less. It is a true representation of music today, with the pop, R&B, Rap, hip Hop, classic rock. To get that many celebs in one room at one point in time is truley a feat that is usualy only conquered by awards show.

I'm legit so sick of hearing people say why are we focusing so much on Haiti, when we have plenty of people who need help in our own backyard.
Last time I checked we were all a part of this earth, and we are all God's children.
"God shows no acts of favoritism"(Acts 10:34) so why should we?
Whether it is someone who is living in Haiti or America or Uganda or freaking England. If a natural disaster occurs, we should band together as a WORLD and help out.

Maybe instead of shaking your head at the people who are only helping for the big things, you shoudl applaud them. After all, when was the last time you gave a homeless man a cheese burger? How about helping out at a food bank? Donating to something other then cancer research or heart disease? There are problems everywhere, and there is no reason to not help because its not in America.

I miss you:l

I miss my best friend.
The one that I used to have conversations with that lasted more then 5 minutes
The one that used to text me to say good luck on a test
The one who knew when my tests were
The one who responded when I wished her luck.
The one who came over and helped me pack my room, instead of laughing and saying she was spending time with her boyfriend
The one who I could call crying and would make it all better
The one who talked me through so many of moms binges
The one who I was able to tell everything to
The one who knew everything about me.
I miss you :l

Its that time of year againnn

International let me make you feel lonely as fuck day.
Its whatever this year, because I don't need a boy friend. I've got some amazing friends. It may suck ass that a lot of them live way too far away, but they still rock hard core :]

Tomorrow, I'm teaching Sunday school, driving out to Boulder City to see my grandpa's grave (its been 10 years tomorrow since he passed) and them driving home and going to work.

I really can't complain, because life is good, and there are plenty who have it worse.
Life is a puzzle, full of random peices that sometimes don't feel like they fit, but God's holding the boxtop and will put the puzzle together for you :]

What is love, love? Baby don't hurt me.

BLEH.
Freaking Valentines day always gets me down, because this will be the 19th consecutive year I have not had a valentine. Joy.
Instead, I'll be spending it at church, and then probably work, and then back at church. At least I have something to distract me.
Don't get my wrong, I'm definitely not Anti-Valentines day.. But sometimes a girl just wants someone to hold her hand and let her know every thing's going to be alright. I just want to freaking cuddle. Geez.
Right now You belong With Me is my anthem. T. Sweezy may be a crazy bitch, but she sure knows how to write exactly what I'm feeling(sidenote: if i agree with a crazy bitch, does that make me crazy too?LOL)
Like seriously, dude, she's not interested in you.. And you have someone who's interested RIGHT HERE. Sometimes I feel like saying, I'm as good as you are going to get buddy, so you might as well settle..
But then I know deep down inside somewhere, that if someone has to settle for me, then I must be settling for them, because I don't suck as much as I think I do.

And I really don't know if any of that made sense, but whatever.

What are your thoughts on Valentines Day?

oh boy

my car broke yesterday. Joy to the world, but luckily it was a problem I was planning on fixing anyways so its ohh kay.
I drove through the fog today. Freaking scary as all hell. No lie, and it was only for about a mile, but I couldn't see shit. Like, what do you do in the fog? The guy in front of me put his flashers on, so i did too, just in case that was like common courtesy or something. But whatever, I made it through, in my dads truck. the really old one, that apparently i forgot to drive. this thing is like, twice the size of my car, so woah, freaking culture shock geez.
this blog is all over the place, I'm currently dying at picturing jason dance like he has special needs. gotta love him :]
the fact that ive tweeted 900 times in the last week or two is ridiculous. lmfao. i'll be to 10k in another week. hahaha

i seriously have nothing of importance to post right now. lameee <3

It's so much more then being a fan, its an experience.

I don't know about anyone else, but I get really sick and tired of hearing my parents talk crap about me being a fan of bands and what not. They call it my 'Jonas' side of myself, when really it is so much more then they realize. Seriously, the people I have met through my 'obsessions' are absolutely fantastic, and I wouldn't give up any of it. I don't sit there and research every single thing about every band that I love. I sit here and talk with fellow fans and develop friendships with them that can be more in depth then the friendships i have formed with a lot of my 'real friends'. I find it sad that I can post something on twitter and get a bunch of at replies from so many different people and they make me smile, yet when I post to facebook, my 'real friends' can't even wish me a good luck on something.

IDK, I guess what I'm trying to say is I love you guys, each and every one of you, because I don't know what I'd do with my time if I didn't have you guys to talk to. I'd probably go freaking nuts if I couldn't count you guys as friends.
and I seriously mean everyone, the old Corbin friends, You crazy JS'ers/DS'ers, Kewl Krew(ILYGUISEE) and the lovely lady HS fans. You all rock, you rock on!