Joy

Today I woke up excited for bible study. It's been a while since I have been excited. I'm one of those people who absorb what others are feeling and I let other peoples opinions feed into mine. Not that my opinions are my own, but I just feel what others feel and sometimes that can get in the way.

And lately I've really been letting others opinions sway mine, and that is not okay. I am my own person, and it is perfectly okay to NOT agree with the masses

So I made that decision tonight, because I need to be myself and to fix a few things in myself in order to enjoy the Joy that God so freely gives to me.

And I started working on them. I had a few awesome conversations tonight. I fessed up to some mistakes I had been making, and I put my heart in check. Because sometimes it can be in the wrong place, but I'm working on putting it back in check.

I'm choosing Joy :]

the sandbox

I had a friend tell me the other day that she felt like she was so much older then me. And I kind of wanted to laugh. I mean, technically she is older, but not by much at all. But life wise. Yeah definitely not older. I mean she has some responsibilities and what not and she's had her fair share or tragedy in her life and these things make you grow up. But honestly? I'm 21, second in command at my job (she'd be management but she doesn't have the balls to go for it) I live on my own, and I pay for all of my bills. Are you really going to try and call me a child right now? Honestly.

I haven't talked to her since. I'm too immature to hang out with her anyways ;)

#2

I'm not happy with you at the moment. And I really don't like being upset with one of the most happiest people on the planet. It's kind of ridiculous.

I was so supportive of your endeavors, but it really looks like it has turned and bitten me in the ass. I told you it was okay to live, as long as you had your priorities straight. And I honestly believe that they are wrong. They are so horribly messed up at the moment, and I just don't know how to get you back on track.

That was my job, was to keep you on track. And part of the reason why I am so upset is because I failed at the job you gave me. That a lot of people knew that I had. You counted on me, and I failed you.

So basically we both kind of suck right now.

I need you. There have been so many times where I've needed you, and it just doesn't seem like you are always there. I've made it through without you, but I thought the point of all of this was that I didn't have to go through it without you.

You know I SERIOUSLY rethought moving out because of that thing. Like, completely and honestly reconsidered. And I almost let you get away with the first thing that has made me completely happy in months. Because I'm really good at pretending to be happy, but I'm really not as happy as it seems.

I almost want to tear up our list. It really doesn't matter. We don't go through it when we see each other anyways. Because we rarely see each other, so we spend our time catching up

Speaking of seeing each other. The real reason I'm upset. Way to ignore my texts. I mean, honestly. A simple no would have sufficed. I just wanted to know times. You didn't have to offer to go if you didn't really want to. And then to not even answer when I try to confirm. Seriously? Who does that. Until we talk about that, we really aren't going to be okay. Because that makes me really mad.

I still love you. With all of my heart. And I still firmly believe that God put us together for a reason. We just need to find that reason again.

#1

I love you. So very much. I love a lot of people, but you just seriously have a special place in my heart. I'm so grateful for the time that we get to spend together, when we actually get a chance to.

We've done some fun things together. Some really amazing work for Jesus. And he puts us together to get work done, and I just know that we've got more work ahead of us. Who knows what it's going to be, but its going to be amazing.

What you told me recently breaks my heart. Everything you've been going through literally breaks my heart, but the result of the demons in your life that got the best of you just tears my heart in two. You know why I feel the way I feel about your situation, and it just tears me up that you slipped a little bit. But I'm praying for you, and I know that you don't have to slip again. If you really want to stay on track you can. I'm writing you another letter, and I'm going to write you one every month just so that you know that I'm praying for you.

I'm sorry you feel abandoned, but I feel like you kind of put yourself there. You left. You wanted out. And then you are upset that the people you were so ready to leave behind let you go. It makes me sad that you didn't realize how much you needed them until they were gone. And it also makes me sad that they have yet to realize that they need you. But I promise you I'm not leaving. I'm here, and I'm staying and even if you feel like there's no where to turn, you've got me. I promise

I love you <3

Letters

I'm going to start writing letters. Letters to people who have impacted me in some way shape or form. I can almost promise the first few letters will be about people I'm kind of frustrated with. It will move on after that though.

These letters will be delivered. Maybe not at the time I post them, maybe not for a few weeks after, but they will be delivered. Because I don't believe that housing your frustrations is healthy. It just builds up anger and makes the resentments grow, but with some of my frustrations i need to be at a place where I can speak my frustrations with love. I'll get there, I'm just not quite there yet.

So have fun reading. This should be an interesting journey inside of my head. Hahaha.

Happiness.

So for the past week or so, I've been sleeping on the floor because I just haven't been home at the right hours to get my bed upstairs and put together. And today is day 7 of 9 days in a row that I'm working. And we've been doing a LOT of crap at work lately so it's draining. And then the 4 hour travel time is a little much sometimes. I was just really excited to get home and get to bed. I mean.. to floor.

So I walk in after babysitting and say hi and then go upstairs and my bed is put together. Like, completely together. All of the pieces put upstairs and the sheets put on and everything. I'm so grateful for these girls. (and Brandon, who was the muscles behind the operation. haha)

It's really the small things in life that mean the most, and these girls taking a few minutes out of their day to make me more comfortable seriously means the world. I'm so glad I'm here. No matter what happens... this time period right here is going to be a fun one, and I'm insanely excited for it :D

Disappointment

‎"Maybe 99 out of 100 people will disappoint you...I don't know I think you find the magic of the world in the marginal error"

This quote has been floating around a lot lately. I've literally seen it as three facebook status's today alone. And I definitely see the truth in this. I mean, at one point or another EVERYONE is going to disappoint you.

But I mean, look at it from the other side. Everyone that you come into contact with, all of your friends, your classmates, your roommates. Every single one of them at one point or another will disappoint you. But, if we go by this little quote, that means everyone YOU come in contact with, you will disappoint as well.

I bet you didn't think about that when you looked at that quote and said hey, that applies to my life. Because people disappoint you, but you always have the capability of disappointing them as well.

But as I think about that more and more, I sit and smile because I serve an amazingly awesome and all powerful God who will never disappoint me. He is that 1% marginal error. And that just seriously makes me smile. Because everyone stumbles, and everyone falls, and I'm going to screw up. It's promised. But God never fails. God never screws up. And He never disappoints. And if I have to deal with disappointing everyone, and everyone disappointing me, well then I can handle that.

Called to action :)

So I had the most amazing quiet time at starbucks the other day, and I've been stuck on these verses that have been running through my head the past few days.
"In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead" James 2:17 (NIV)
This jumped out because of a conversation I had at camp that has stuck with me. A friend said to not be too spiritual. The answer is prayer, but that isn't the only answer you can give people. Sometimes a friend needs advice. I mean, we are told to seek wise council, and you may not have all of the answers but God definitely equips us with the wisdom we need. But more importantly is the ACTION part of this verse. We need to act. Because we are called to do God's will and that requires action on our part. Yes prayer is a very important part of life, but we need to act and not just speak.

I think the action part is my favorite part of our 40 days of community thing we are doing at church. We are building each other up, and forming amazing relationships with others, but through that we are reaching out, and ACTING on god's will. "Serve wholeheartedly, as if you are serving the Lord and not men." Ephesians 6:7 god is calling me to action, and that is the verse I am clinging to in this moment in time. God is good, all the time. <3

These things will change, can you feel it now?

It's funny how change always comes up at just the time where I think I might be able to handle it well, and then it really hits me, and I almost start to feel out of control. But I guess feeling out of control is okay.. Because God has this.

It always starts with the hair. Blame it on the hair. Last time I changed my hair, I changed jobs, quit teaching Sunday School, moved churches and made a new set of friends.

This time around.. I'm moving out(God Willing)camp is around the corner, and we all know that is going to change our lives, one of the most influential families in my Christian walk is moving to Spain, and we're getting a new college pastor.

Woah wait back up. That is a lot of change to process right now, and it always just seems to blindside me. God doesn't like it when we are comfortable, and I was starting to develop a comfort zone with the last set of changes, and then he goes and pulls out the rug from under my feet. I don't have to worry though, because I know He is going to catch me.

I'm going to try and write out my feelings on each individual bit of change that is happening in my life right now. I just honestly need to process a lot of things, and this lovely blog has been through a LOT of processing.

The family moving to Spain. I am not kidding when I say they are one of the most influential families in my walk with Christ. The husband taught the lesson that led to my salvation. The wife mentored me through many mental break downs, and helped to make sure I didn't fall too far off the track my first year of college. She challenged me, and was brutally honest when she knew I wasn't doing something right. Their children. I've had the pleasure to teach the three oldest in one form or another, and I think I've been blessed to have been taught by each of the children as well. I witnessed the pregnancy to the two youngest, and have watched them grow, as my faith grows. I had to say goodbye to this family earlier in the week. And I hadn't seen them in a while, so it was good to catch up, but as I walked away I just had this sense of peace. God leads everyone into each others lives for a reason.. And this family definitely had a reason to be in my life, but it's time for them to take on new adventures. Exotic adventures. And as much as I want to sit here and cry because I am going to miss them so very much, I still feel that peace. Because God is working wonders. Amazing, beautiful, marvelous wonders each and every day. And this may be good bye for now, but it won't be goodbye for forever.

I joined a gym. I know that pretty much everyone knows about my mom getting her OBand surgery. And with that, the whole house has made a turn for the healthy ways. It's amazing to see us all shrinking, and working at our own pace. I knew that I needed to kick in some activity with my new eating habits, because changing my diet just wasn't going to be enough. I've got A LOT to lose, and it's going to take a lot of hard work, but that switch finally flipped where I realized that it was time to make that change. I think that for the longest time I was just trying to get comfortable in my own skin, and most of the time I was, but now I need to realize that I just need to get healthy. And I'm making positive movements in this direction. This also brings me peace, because like my note card said on Sunday. I may doubt that I can do this whole diet thing.. But God says, I've got this. Lean on Me.

Moving out. I just. I don't even know what to think about this right now. I don't feel like its real, but I'm pretty sure it's real. I just.. I need to fix my car before I believe this is happening. But oh my goodness, I've been praying about this for a long time, and these women of God would be WONDERFUL people to surround myself with. God willing, this is going to be an amazing time in my life, one that is going to shape me and mold me, and I am just so excited for it.

D. I'm not going to lie, I cried tonight. And I tried SO hard to hide it, but he knew. It hasn't even been a year but this man has taught me so many lessons that I am going to hold near and dear to my heart for the rest of my life. Finding the Shadow Hills College group has been such a TREMENDOUS blessing in my life. There are so many people to look up to, and so many people willing to be there for accountability, and even more who are just willing to pray. So many times I think about the day I got pulled over, and how it seemed like everything was collapsing around me, but I shared my pain, and the group prayed, and that peace that only God can give filled me. Or the MANY times I've just been slapped in the face with an answer to a question that had been burdening my heart. So many times it felt like the lessons were tailored just for EXACTLY what I was going through. And I'm sad, but I know God has this under control. He has placed a new pastor for us, who I am very sure is going to rock our socks. D told us tonight that in order to grow, we need change. And D has brought so much change to all of us, and now its time for him to spread his amazingness to the others. And it's also time for someone new to step in and change us. And time for us to step up and change our new pastor. I'm so excited for the growth we can do together as a group. And I am so happy that he is joining us for camp. There's no better way to get acquainted with someone new, other then a mountain top experience.

I'm just so overwhelmed with everything right now, but in the best of ways. I was talking with a friend on my way to dinner about our emotions. And how we weren't crying tears of sorrow, it was just so much emotion built up, and we felt so filled with the Holy Spirit, that we couldn't help but cry. It just spilt over in the most amazing of ways. I know this road of dealing with the changes is going to be bumpy. And I know that it isn't going to be easy, but I am just so at peace right now. Sitting here, holding onto the promise that God gives me, when He says He will never leave me. I'm traveling on a road of change, but I've got Jesus holding my hand the whole way down.

Growth

I've literally just gone through EVERY post I've posted on here since I started this blog. I'm in a reflective mode right now, and I firmly believe that you can't grow if you don't know what you need to change, and this blog is a perfect example of my life that has been changing.

Its kind of surprising really. I mean honestly, when I think about it, when I came home from camp last year, everyone asked how it was, and the only word I could think of was 'life changing' and then I would think in my head, but only if I'm willing to do the work

Quite honestly, there is a LOT more work that I can do to better myself, but just by reading my thoughts from almost three years ago to now, I KNOW that my life is constantly changing and evolving, and I'm very sure that I'm headed in the right direction.

Thinking about camp makes me so happy. I can't wait to go this year, seriously. With this new group of people that I am fortunate enough to call friends?! It's going to be amazing. So. Freaking. Amazing.

I can't believe my thought process from a few years ago. I think I was in a really dark place, and I think I'm finally out and standing in the sun. I've had some serious issues, but I've slowly but surely started working through them. I can't wait to see how much more I change until camp and then after camp this year. :D

He is my portion, and I am His prize.

I was thinking about this song this morning, and I just.. I don't know, I feel somewhat unsettled? They aren't kidding when they say that the farther you get into the Word, the farther you feel away from God.

I mean honestly, I feel like God gets shafted A LOT of the time. I mean, He gets to be my portion. AS in, he is absolutely everything that I need. Whatever I need, He provides for me. But.. I am His prize? What kind of prize am I? I'm no better then anyone else, obviously, but.. What is it that makes me His prize? I lie, I cuss, I definitely don't read my bible everyday, and there are times where I just don't want to live my life for Him. Sometimes I want to be of this world and not living for Him.

God's seriously getting shafted, but I can change that. I don't need to make Him get the short end of the stick. I can live my life for Him. I can read my bible, I can talk to Him on a regular basis. I'm done shafting my Father. He deserves more then that from me :]

and we prayed

We had a rando dance party tonight with my college group. Like when I say random I mean it was planned at 2pm this afternoon. Why? Because Britney spears released a new song. That's relly it. Sometimes we just do stuff like that. So we danced and acted like fools and laughed, and at the end we prayed. Because that's what we do as a body of believers. We give thanks and stand in a circle and hold hands and that God for our blessings. And let me tell you, we have a lot to be thankful for. I know I do :)

Who I am?!

I've been trying to figure out how to word my profile for Christian Mingles for the longest time. Most of the time my about me sections are full of clever little one liners that I've probably stolen from someone else. And they are allllll full of sarcasm. And I don't think that is going to go over well with someone who is looking for a relationship, but then of course I backtrack and I'm like, wait a freaking minute here, they need to like me for Who I am.

I'm so bad at this crap. hahah

Exactly where you need to be.

Isn't it funny how I change churches because I feel like this new church can help me find a mission to go on. I really feel like I'm being called to the field, so switching churches was so that I could find someone to help me get there, because I don't know how to do it on my own. And literally TWO DAYS after I switch, I find out about a meeting for a trip to Africa. AFRICA!! THIS SUMMER!! How epic would that be? I mean, seriously. TWO DAYS. Two freaking days, and I have a meeting lined up. I'm not saying THIS is going to be the trip that God has called me to, but if anything this meeting is a little 'thank you' from God for listening to what he has to say. For finally standing with two feet in, and for finally taking that leap of faith into His arms. I went into all of this change blindly, and my eyes are opening wider as I see the fruits of His labor. He is being revealed to me from ALL sides, and it is just amazing.

I'm so excited for this meeting. I don't even know how to explain it. But I can't waitt!! :]

Fun Facts.

I think I kind of discovered what I needed to discover with my funfacts. I still have blogs unwritten, and drafts, but I'm deleting them all, because they were all things that I needed to get out in that moment in time, but they don't mean much anymore. A lot of the fun facts I came up with, I thought of while I was at work. And with my promotion, I don't have the idle time I had as an associate. There is always something I need to be working on, or thinking of, so I don't have time to dwell on all of the things that I think are wrong with me. Because, face it. We all have stuff that is wrong with us, and we all have things that we want to change, and I thought the blogs were going to help me with that. I had a plan in mind with them when I first started. I was suppossed to point out a flaw and make a goal with how to fix it. I only did that with the second one. And I fixed it. I just did a MAJOR overhaul of a lot of stuff in my room, and it feels good to get rid of so much stuff. My room is still trashed, but at least there isn't so much TRASH.

^^haha, I thought that was clever.

But anyways. I had way too much caffiene tonight, so I can't really sleep. And I might just be a little bit nervous about tomorrow. I don't know why. I think it is because I'm doing this without Bre. And I think that is the funniest part, is becasue part of this change is to have a little bit of separation in our lives. I love her, but we were kind of becoming the same person. We both need some time to change and to blossom. She has helped change me so much. And I've helped her. I loved our talk we had a few weeks ago about the changes that we have gone through together.

I think I may have gotten myself out of my funk, without medicating myself. We'll see how long this lasts though. I might just be on a weird high of change. Who knows. I'm so excited for all of the fun things that are going to happen in the future. I just can't wait to see how it all turns out.

Blondes have more fun

So much has changed this year. And it has only been a month. I don't know if I can quite articulate the thought process that has been going through my head lately. I just know that only one person on this earth understands what is exactly going through my head at this point. Because I think she fully grasps the weight of everything that has happened, and she understands, and even though it may feel like I'm abandoning her, she is still happy for me. I've been truly blessed with her friendship, and her understanding.

So, I'm going to try and write this out, and explain it all in the best way I can so that people can understand my thought process and the weight of my decisions, and the story behind them.

The first thing that changed this year was my hair color. I feel like that initial change kind of sparked it all. I don't know why, I just feel like it did. I posted on facebook about change and then said that I liked change, but then I slowly started to realize that my fear of change was kind of holding me back.

So I officially made a decision to change churches. I don't know how many people realize how bug of a change that is for me. I'm a creature of habit, I think to a sense everyone is, but I like routine. I get bored with routines, but I like having a routine in my life. Church kind of became that routine. I went, I listened, and I went home. I went, I taught and I went to work. Just, routine. Nothing thought provoking, just a part of the routine. But my bible study, oh man my bible study sparked my mind. In many ways. I joke that the boys draw me in, but the lessons just keep my coming back. I've taken something from every lesson, something that I need to think about, and something that I need to act on. It's not routine, its ever changing, and even as a creature of habit, I need that change.

One lesson was to act on God's will RIGHT NOW. Not to wait until the timing was right, but to act right now. I pushed that to the back of my head because I had my timing set. I was going to leave after the back to school retreat.That way I could finish my commitment. And I had time. More time to wait I guess. But, God had a different plan for me. He said, right now. Not next week, not next month, but right now.

Leaving my old church hurts. Like, a kick in the stomach and a slap across the face. I was in physical pain saying my good byes last Wednesday. I did it with the kids with a smile, because that is the kind of reaction they deserve. That they need. They need to think and know that I am okay. That this is a good thing, but surrounded by the people who have lifted me up and prayed for me and hugged me when I was having a bad day, I lost it. It hurts so much to leave these people behind. These people that love me despite my flaws, these people that I have been with through their pain. These people that cheered my on as I got baptized, and gave me words of encouragement when I started teaching, and praises when they approved of how I taught and the response the children gave me. And leaving the kids. Oh my goodness, the kids. I'm going to die on the inside when I leave the munchkins. No joke. My going away party with my second graders is going to be ridiculous. And I'm going to cherish every last moment of it, because no matter how painful it may be, this is good.

So the catalyst that brought this change on. I've always had one thing holding me back from management. My kids. My second graders that I just can't say good bye too. And church. But, my new church has Saturday night service. So on those Sundays that I am going to have to work, I will have Saturday night to look forward to. But anyways, I've always been so adament about not giving up my Sunday's for a better job. But I'm in desperate need of a new job. Desperate need of more money. I'm just not making enough right now. Its hard.


.... I stopped here, and I can't seem to pick up where I left off. Whatever. Lol

asdfkj;lk

This changing churches thing is killing me. I wish I had made a decision so much later in the game. Like. July. July would have been a GREAT time to make the decision. aslkdjfkl. It hurts my heart to know that I'm leaving my munchkins behind. All of my favorite little ones that I adore, and that have helped me grow so much. And the parents of my favorite munchkins. Its going to seriously SUCK not seeing them twice a week. I've grown to depend on these ladies, but I know that my relationship with God has GOT to overcome any earthly relationship I might have, and if God is pulling my heart somewhere else, then I need to follow Him. His path is the right one, and I know that the enemy is the one making this so difficult, but I have to keep this decision of mine to myself (well mostly to myself anyways) for another eight months. EIGHT FREAKING MONTHS. I'm slowly telling people, but I don't want it to be a huge deal. But I don't just want to drop off the face of the earth either. Every Sunday morning I wake up and think, this is one Sunday closer to being at Shadow Hills. I'm so scared, so nervous. I... I just.. I know I've made the right decision for me. For my family. But.. ahhhhh. Its so hard :(

I'm talking in circles. If only I could write how many circles my mind is going it. Ugh.