You know what really irritates me?

The fact that I'm deeper into this freaking depression then I've ever been and the only thing you can tell me is that you want me to go clean my room. You think if I knew how to fix myself, I would? I don't know whats wrong with me okay, and I'm sorry I'm not the prodigal daughter that you want me to be, but youknow what? You've failed me before, and I'm sick and tired of trying to live my life to please you. I need to live my life for me, and I need to be who I want to be and you aren't doing anything to help me get there. I need a way out, and I need to get out right now. I'm sick of the chaos in my head and in my heart, and sick of lying, I'm sick of pretending that everything is okay. I can't fix me around you, but I can't get out of this bull shit long enough to find an actual way to get out of here.

I hate

that everytime I get some sort of bump on my body, i get paranoid.

I hate having to slather myself with sunscreen every fucking day

I hate forgetting that sunscreen, and then feeling paranoid all day.

I hate being pale.

I hate when people ask me about the scar, because they usually ask me if its a hickey, and I have to explain to them that i had skin cancer.

I hate being afraid that it will more then likely come back, and I will have to live in fear that it isn't the dangerous form.

I hate the scar on my neck. its gross.

not too happy about this right now. blah

Amazing love

I posted this on FB, but I figured I should post it here too ;]

Two years ago, just around this time (I don't know exact dates, but it was the third week of VBS, so I'm just going to say two years ago today :p)

Anyways, two years ago, I was walking back from the pool with my family after a Sunday service that i grudgingly went to, and I looked up in the sky and asked for a sign. God, if you are there could you do something to prove it? Because I'm having a tough time believing it right now Nothing happened so my stubborn teenager self walked into the house scoffing. This is a load of bologna was the top thought in my head.

Come Wednesday Dad had somehow convinced me to go to VBS. I reaaally didn't want to go. No one talked to me, I always sat alone and I just hated life every time I was there. But I went, and I sat... And I actually listened. And Ray told me that I was a sinner. And that without Jesus I would not go to heaven. And I took that as my sign. That night I went home and sat on the couch and I showed my parents that piece of paper, and broke down in tears. Because I was so ashamed that I turned my head from God for so long, and then the tears turned to tears of joy, because I felt loved. And, someone had actually talked to me that night. <3

Two years flash by, and here we are to today. I've got my VBS lesson book chilling next to me, a pair of scissors sitting amongst a pile of paper clippings and a smile on my face. Because tonight our munchkins are learning the ABC's, and I pray with my whole heart that at least one child will leave tonight feeling the love that I felt two years ago. I pray that someone will walk out with a smile on their face and can spend the next two years of their lives getting to know their Savior, and counting the blessings that God has bestowed upon us.

Everyday I look up at that piece of paper I received two years ago and smile. The paper has permanent fold and dirt marks on it, from the two months I carried it in my purse as a reminder to myself, it has blue marks on the corners left over from the putty I used to hang it in my dorm room, and a few holes right at the top where I've shoved a push pin through so it can hang on my wall. Today, I thank God for my salvation, and that little piece of paper reminds me what a tremendous love my Father has for me. <3

Fun Fact #7

It's been a while since the last one..Mainly because I've just avoided it. Haha, the road to self discovery is a pain in the ass, and sharing the things I learn about myself is just sometimes embarrassing. I must have at least three drafts that I just haven't had the guts to share with the world yet, but I feel like this one is a combo of all of them

This kind of goes with the onion shit or whatever, but I have a closet full of problems.

So many of them, that I just kind of laugh off, and push to the side, and stick them in the back of the closet if you will. Some of them little tiny socks, some of them a huge box. But is it all of these things that I stick in my gigantic emotional walk in closet. I say it is a walk in, because I can store a lot of shit in there before it is time to do some spring cleaning.

I don't want to whine and bitch and moan about all of the horrible things in my life, because I know that I have been blessed with a lot of great things in my life, and it evens out very well. But sometimes I cope with shit wrong. Sometimes I like to pretend that everything is great, when really all I did was stick the bad stuff in a box and stick it in the back of the closet.

It has been a LONG time since I emptied out the closet, and right now it is getting really full. I can tell I'm about to lose it just because of the way I was acting today. I have no idea why I get way I do. Why I feel the need to just pretend that I'm fine with everything. Why on earth I've gotten to the point where I cry for 4 seconds and then I suck it up.

I really need to work on this :]

:D

I'm dedicating this entire post to Ashley
Because basically she is awesome, and that's all you really need to know :D

Thanks for all the fun late night chats about our favorite jewish gentleman ;]
and for sharing the wonderfulness that is your music. Wooohoo, pretty sure at least 65% of my itunes is all from youu!

I love you cuddle buddy :D

fun fact #6

I am a freaking onion.

I kind of just realized this while I was at work being bored and what not, and I've had a few days to think about it, but.. I'm an onion.

Haha, sit there and think, What the freak are you talking about Tasha?
okay, are you ready for it? The LAYERS. in the onion.
I'm not that clever, so I can't say I made it up all on my own, I heard it some where...
(btw is 7:05. haha)... anyways. I heard it somewhere, so I'm not that creative :]

And when I first heard it I was like.. WTF? Why would you have layers? I have no secrets, I'm crazy open.

YEAH RIGHT. My secrets are just so damn good I don't even realize I have them sometimes.

Let me try and explain this mess that is my head for a moment, because I'm kind of confused with the whole thing too. I used to think I was so crazy freaking open, but turns out, yeah not so much.

Like, my parents know every single detail of every one of my friends lives, yet I highly doubt they know much about me.

I have a lot of people that I talk to, but I am 'the listener' and I just never share whats going on in my head.

(now mind you, I have people I do talk to that know some stuff about me, but its like, a hand full of people.)

I mean, maybe this is why I am so quick to think I am ''best friends'' with someone, because I 'tell them everything' when in reality, I don't tell anyone ANYTHING.

I am so quick to tell people that my mom used to be addicted to speed and weed, and that my dad has decided he is an alcoholic too, but I doubt many more then like, three people know exactly how fucked up the situation was.
like, my grades slipping, and increasing hours at work, and being forced to quit my job, and hiding away in my room, and becoming immersed into a fantasy land we all like to call the internet. and sooo much more.

There are many people who know that I played softball for 9 years, but very few who know what happened the last time I ever played softball.
and even fewer who know exactly how much I miss playing.

There are tons of people who know I have a little sister. My favorite thing in the entire world,
but I honestly don't think there is a single person who knows that sometimes I hate that I had to raise her, and I'm mean to her sometimes because of it.

There are plenty of people who know I am a Christian, but very few people who know that my faith has pulled me through so much even though its only been a year or two.

There are plenty of people who know I lost the Homecoming Director position, and lots of people who know exactly how much it hurts still to this day,
but I have never once come out and said, if it wasn't for that loss, I wouldn't be as involved in church, or that I am extremely grateful for this push in the right direction.

And I don't thing a single person knows that I wake up every morning scared. So scared that Mom is going to decide that today she wants to use again. So.Fucking.Scared.
Every day of my life.

So like I said, I'm on onion, and as these little fun facts go along, more and more layers will be peeled back.

If you read, welcome to this fun little journey I have decided to go through :]

Cancer

I fucking hate that word, more then anything, and the damn piece of shit tried to ruin my birthday.
See, the thing is while I was driving to Cali, the dumb doctor called and told me the stupid thing they took off of my neck was skin cancer. JOY. Just what you want to hear right. Yeah, don't flip out too much, its a Basil Cell cancer or whatever, so that means it doesn't spread. WOO. (that woo was kind of sarcastic, NGL)
But what it does mean, is that I have to go back to the doctors office and they have to scrape more skin away and get the rest of the cancer off of my skin. I keep repeating cancer, because it is like.. Yelling in my head right now. its like oh hey tasha CANCERRRRRR. What now bitch?
Yeah, my cancer is sarcastic too.

So, I know I don't need to freak, but I am freaking out hard core. No lie, like, right now I am crying. Because I am scared. And I don't know what to do, and I don't know what this means, and I... I just don't know.

And I don't want to talk to my parents about it because them worrying about my skin cancer is the last thing they need. Not to mention, this surgery is probably going to be really expensive, because insurance isn't all that amazing, well it is, bu

Fun Fact #3

I have anywhere but here syndrome (and that anywhere is california)

The day after I leave California is always the hardest. And, it just keeps getting harder. I just sometimes feel like I have nothing to look forward to when I come back to Vegas. Yes, I have my family and a few friends, but I mean.. The majority of the people I actually enjoy talking to are online, and I can take my computer with me wherever I go, so it isn't like I am going to miss them. They come with me :]

And my parents and my sister, I would miss them a whole bunch, and church, I would miss that too, but I feel like Vegas is just this groove in the middle of the table, and I am the marble that keeps rolling back towards the groove and getting stuck. There is no where to go here. There is nothing I want to do. I have no motivation to be a better person here. There is nothing inspiring. It is just blah. I haven't been as happy as I was just sitting on the beach then I have been in a VERY long time.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't want to be all emo and be like, WAHH my life sucks, because it doesn't. My life is actually pretty amazing, but it isn't changing. It isn't evolving, it isn't getting better. It is kind of on pause right now.

Isn't college supposed to be the best part of your life? You are supposed to grow so much from it? Then why do I feel like I'm on hold right now?

I just don't want to be here anymore, and I kill myself every time I have to come back. If I could, I would spend all summer sleeping on an inflatable mattress selling homemade bracelets on Venice Beach.

Even though I would prefer being cramped in a studio apartment, working as a club promoter, but heyy, it is what it is :]

Basically, I just want to finish college and get out of here, and drive to California, and never have to leavee :D

Fun Fact #2

I keep the stupidest shit.

No lie, its ridiculous the things I keep. I'm by no means a hoarder or anything. It is all sorts of organized and put into bags and boxes and what not, but I keep everything.

Like every movie stubb I've ever paid for I'm sure is is a box somewhere. I wrote a note to some guy I had a crush on in high school, and photocopied it and put it away somewhere. Stupid promo cards from RPC from last year, every name badge I've ever had. business cards left over from HC last year. pictures. tons and tons of pictures. Some stupid flier I got from San Genero. A flier from Capo's becuase thats where the guy that kissed me worked. lmfao.
The dumbest things, I swear to you. I feel like one day when I get old I'll need all this stuff to remember life, and thats why I keep it all... But I really don't need the rape whistle I got in on move in day at the dorms. lmfao. I have three.

I think I'm going to make a goal for myself, and that is to go through things, and my goal is to get rid of 25% of the random shit I have.


Good goal yes? Goodness I hope so!

Fun Fact #1

So I am thinking about doing little fun facts about myself, becuase I have fun little quirks, and they are all a part of a self journey I want to take.
Because, not only will these fun facts let you know something about me, but they will make me realize things about me that I may or may not need to improve on. Feel free to give your takes on my fun facts, and add your own in :]

I fall asleep on the phone a lot. ALOT. hahaha.
its kind of ridiculous. Most of the time it is with Britt. A lot of the time I am texting someone and I just fall asleep.

Sometimes I worry that it annoys people, because I'm not the type of person to say hey, I am going to bed so I will talk to you later. Normally we'll keep up conversation and then I'll turn my light off and crawl into bed and as the conversation slowly dwindles I just fall asleep. Normally when I wake up I send a sorry text message and then go on about my day.

Unless of course it is Britt. When we are on the phone it is just expected that one of us is going to fall asleep. It is most likely me. Haha. I think she has only fallen asleep on me twice. And then we've both fallen asleep at the same time twice. hahaha

We are ridiculous, we know this.

But yeah, that is fact number one. My favorite way to end the day is to spend it talking to my favorite people :]

Not a Fan, but part of a FAMILY

I've said it time and time again, and being a Jonas fan isn't just adoring three boys who strut their stuff on the stage. Yes that is awesome, but there is so much more then that. It is about the army of fans that make up the Jonas Family.

Tonight, we mourn the loss of a sister. Yes, we are aware of the fact that MANY people have died in Chile, and yes we are aware of the fact that many Jonas fans have died before, but its not like we get a phone call with every single death.

What is happening with the world is seriously tragic right now, and to lose a sister in the midst of it makes the tragedy seem that much more intense. I never talked to you, but you will be missed Alejandra. Your family and friends will be in my prayers, and I sincerely hope you rest in peace <3

blast from the past

Holy shit this was hard to read. It's been almost a year, and this still hurts


This was written right after I lost the position. :l
First I'm going to say I'm sorry to the three people that should have been notified by phone, but I just can't seem to get a hold of you three, so Annie, Pomai and Louise, sorry in advance.

Lets start with a little bit of a background, just in case some people aren't fully aware of the situation and how it has effected me emotionally.

When I started school, I joined this amazing organization called Rebel Pride Council. Shortly after I joined the Homecoming committee, and all of a sudden there were people telling me to apply for an exec position. More specifically, the homecoming position. I laughed at everyone, and told them they were crazy. That wasn't something that I thought I was ready for. I didn't have any experience in event planning, and Homecoming is kind of a big deal. I brushed them all off, but as I watched Homecoming 2008 start coming to life, my mind slowly started to change. I was planning on applying for a position, but I wasn't sure which position I wanted.

I grew closer and closer with people in RPC and started forming friendships that I never thought I would make in college. And somewhere along the way, I started wanting the Homecoming position. I can't tell you what clicked, but I'm sure that it was the persistence of Donovan and Matt. Neither one of them seemed to stop harping on me to apply for Homecoming.

So I did. Happily. Everyone that was on the committee thought that I was crazy. None of them wanted to go threw that week of stress and exhaustion again, let alone be in charge of it. But I thrived on that pressure. I had some amazing friends that came from that week, and a lot of great memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

Applications came in, and then it was time for interviews, and boy let me tell you I was nervous. I must have been fixing my hair for two hours before I finally decided it was straight enough, and I can't tell you how many times I fixed my outfit.

Then interviews went on, and I knew that the last interview had happened, and we had to hear something soon. I was sitting in the library glued to my email waiting to see if maybe something would pop up. Then I get a text message from Nikki saying she got Rebels After Dark. Soon after that, Krista's name popped up on my screen, and I knew it was time to find out.

She played coy, and dragged on the conversation like no other, until she finally said, "We would like to offer you the Film Series position." Mind you, that was one of my top three choices but my heart fell, and my jaw dropped. It wasn't what I wanted, but I was going to grin and bear it, until Krista decided to stop torturing me and let me know that I had actually been offered the Homecoming position.

I swear, that was in my top ten happiest moments of my life. Somewhere along the way I had decided that I wanted it, and I wanted it bad. And I got it. It's like, that one thing that you are always reaching for at the top shelf of the highest closet, and once you finally pull it out, you get all sorts of excited because you did it. That was how I felt when I learned I got the Homecoming position.

Enough background, because this is me finally cutting to the chase.

Between my meetings, and hanging out with friends, I just pushed my schoolwork to the backburner.
Yeah, I started out the year with a bang. All of my reading was done on time, I was acing tests left and right, and the papers I was cranking out were amazing. But then I let one lone grade upset everything I had done, and I fell into a pit of, well it will get done. Schoolwork was no longer a priority to me. I had friends, and I had homecoming. What else did I need?

Silly me, don't you know that when you go to college, you're actually supposed to do well in school, and that it's not nearly as easy as high school was. I didn't listen to everyone like I should have. I ignored the warning signs, and just barreled ahead with what I was doing.

But of course, there are consequences to every action. If you are an involved student at school, you know that you sign this little peice of paper saying that you won't let your GPA fall below a certain point. If you do let it fall, well then you have to give up your position.

Me thinking I was an invincible teenager chose to ignore that little piece of paper, and once again just ignored it.

I'm sure you all see where this is going by now, I messed up my grades, and didn't follow the rules on the contract I signed, so I lost my position.

Yes I'm sure some of you may think I was being dramatic when I said I'm putting my baby up for adoption, but to me that is what this feels like. The second I got the news, I was rendered speechless, and I felt my heart drop the the pit of my stomach. After it dropped, it shattered, and I'm pretty sure there are still some pieces laying on Donovan's floor.

I can think about it without sobbing, but still as I sit here and write this almost a week later, I still have tears running down my face. I made it through telling all of my.. well. THE committee (you guy's aren't mine anymore :/) without crying, which I think is a big step. So I'm getting better, and eventually with time, I will get over it. It will be just another chapter in the book of my life.

I know that this is all my fault, and I am completely owning up to my mistakes, and yes I know that things happen for a reason, so somewhere out there,, there is a reason why I am going through this right now.

The reason for the note, is simply for the convenience. It saves me from having to type the story over and over, and hopefully answers everyone's questions.

If you have any questions about whats going on, feel free to ask. I will answer everything to the best of my abilities.

As of right now, I'm not sure who will be in charge of Homecoming. It is a little bit of a toss up right now, and I want to make the best decision possible while hurting the least amount of people. And I also want to pick someone who can be as enthusiastic about this as I was. As I've said, I am giving up my baby for adoption, and I will make sure it is placed into loving arms.

I hoped I answered everyone's questions, and I'm sorry if I have disappointed anyone. I really am, but trust me, you cannot be more disappointed in me then I am in myself.
Thank you to everyone who has given me kind words, I really appreciate all of the support from the amazing people in my life.

<3

Today, I realize I had to step back from the thing that consumed my life. RPC was bad for me. As sad is it is to say today, it wasn't healthy. The stress, the drama, the parties... just not good. :l
I'm happy to be where I am right now :]

I forgot to post this hereee :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Glny4jSciVI&feature=player_embedded#

This song is beautiful, I know nothing will top the original, but it is amazing none the less. It is a true representation of music today, with the pop, R&B, Rap, hip Hop, classic rock. To get that many celebs in one room at one point in time is truley a feat that is usualy only conquered by awards show.

I'm legit so sick of hearing people say why are we focusing so much on Haiti, when we have plenty of people who need help in our own backyard.
Last time I checked we were all a part of this earth, and we are all God's children.
"God shows no acts of favoritism"(Acts 10:34) so why should we?
Whether it is someone who is living in Haiti or America or Uganda or freaking England. If a natural disaster occurs, we should band together as a WORLD and help out.

Maybe instead of shaking your head at the people who are only helping for the big things, you shoudl applaud them. After all, when was the last time you gave a homeless man a cheese burger? How about helping out at a food bank? Donating to something other then cancer research or heart disease? There are problems everywhere, and there is no reason to not help because its not in America.

I miss you:l

I miss my best friend.
The one that I used to have conversations with that lasted more then 5 minutes
The one that used to text me to say good luck on a test
The one who knew when my tests were
The one who responded when I wished her luck.
The one who came over and helped me pack my room, instead of laughing and saying she was spending time with her boyfriend
The one who I could call crying and would make it all better
The one who talked me through so many of moms binges
The one who I was able to tell everything to
The one who knew everything about me.
I miss you :l

Its that time of year againnn

International let me make you feel lonely as fuck day.
Its whatever this year, because I don't need a boy friend. I've got some amazing friends. It may suck ass that a lot of them live way too far away, but they still rock hard core :]

Tomorrow, I'm teaching Sunday school, driving out to Boulder City to see my grandpa's grave (its been 10 years tomorrow since he passed) and them driving home and going to work.

I really can't complain, because life is good, and there are plenty who have it worse.
Life is a puzzle, full of random peices that sometimes don't feel like they fit, but God's holding the boxtop and will put the puzzle together for you :]

What is love, love? Baby don't hurt me.

BLEH.
Freaking Valentines day always gets me down, because this will be the 19th consecutive year I have not had a valentine. Joy.
Instead, I'll be spending it at church, and then probably work, and then back at church. At least I have something to distract me.
Don't get my wrong, I'm definitely not Anti-Valentines day.. But sometimes a girl just wants someone to hold her hand and let her know every thing's going to be alright. I just want to freaking cuddle. Geez.
Right now You belong With Me is my anthem. T. Sweezy may be a crazy bitch, but she sure knows how to write exactly what I'm feeling(sidenote: if i agree with a crazy bitch, does that make me crazy too?LOL)
Like seriously, dude, she's not interested in you.. And you have someone who's interested RIGHT HERE. Sometimes I feel like saying, I'm as good as you are going to get buddy, so you might as well settle..
But then I know deep down inside somewhere, that if someone has to settle for me, then I must be settling for them, because I don't suck as much as I think I do.

And I really don't know if any of that made sense, but whatever.

What are your thoughts on Valentines Day?

oh boy

my car broke yesterday. Joy to the world, but luckily it was a problem I was planning on fixing anyways so its ohh kay.
I drove through the fog today. Freaking scary as all hell. No lie, and it was only for about a mile, but I couldn't see shit. Like, what do you do in the fog? The guy in front of me put his flashers on, so i did too, just in case that was like common courtesy or something. But whatever, I made it through, in my dads truck. the really old one, that apparently i forgot to drive. this thing is like, twice the size of my car, so woah, freaking culture shock geez.
this blog is all over the place, I'm currently dying at picturing jason dance like he has special needs. gotta love him :]
the fact that ive tweeted 900 times in the last week or two is ridiculous. lmfao. i'll be to 10k in another week. hahaha

i seriously have nothing of importance to post right now. lameee <3

It's so much more then being a fan, its an experience.

I don't know about anyone else, but I get really sick and tired of hearing my parents talk crap about me being a fan of bands and what not. They call it my 'Jonas' side of myself, when really it is so much more then they realize. Seriously, the people I have met through my 'obsessions' are absolutely fantastic, and I wouldn't give up any of it. I don't sit there and research every single thing about every band that I love. I sit here and talk with fellow fans and develop friendships with them that can be more in depth then the friendships i have formed with a lot of my 'real friends'. I find it sad that I can post something on twitter and get a bunch of at replies from so many different people and they make me smile, yet when I post to facebook, my 'real friends' can't even wish me a good luck on something.

IDK, I guess what I'm trying to say is I love you guys, each and every one of you, because I don't know what I'd do with my time if I didn't have you guys to talk to. I'd probably go freaking nuts if I couldn't count you guys as friends.
and I seriously mean everyone, the old Corbin friends, You crazy JS'ers/DS'ers, Kewl Krew(ILYGUISEE) and the lovely lady HS fans. You all rock, you rock on!